Tricycle Lowtops

Tricycle's Tables Have Turned

2009-07-19T00:15:00.001-07:00

Ok.

Not sure how likely it is that I'll get a decent post written, but I'm gonna give it a shot.

SO... Tricycle is international at the moment, and has been for about 3 weeks now. I went on a family trip for 2 weeks, and am now just with my sister, staying at a friend's place in another country, which I could name, but I'd rather continue with this well-kept veil of mystery... I'm here for less than a week more, and then back to my life in Canada.

Believe it or not, I'm pumped to get home. I am having and have had an unreal time, but I miss my apartment, my job, and just being in a place that I know and where all my shit is. Living out of a suitcase leaves something to be desired for me, you know?

Also, I happen to have someone waiting back at home for me. Yes, it is true, Tricycle has finally found herself a girlfriend. Perhaps "girlfriend" isn't the word to be using yet, but potential girlfriend for sure. Her name is K. and I've known her for a really long time. We went to the same church when we were younger and had many mutual friends, and then went to the same university. It was at uni that I realized she was queer, AND that she was dating a girl in a group of friends that I often dipped in and out of.

ANYWAY - the weekend before I left, I went to a club that she was at and we had a whole flirtation thing going on... some hand holding, some grinding, etc. The next day she asked me to meet her downtown and hang for a bit, so we did. Then she wanted to hang out that night... so my friend J. and I met her for some drinks, and while drinking and smoking on a patio, she reached over and held my hand. I saw sparks.

So... since I left, she broke up with her GF and has emailed me every day, wanting me more and more as days go by...

I want her too. I want her to be my girlfriend and for us to fall in love...

Am I moving too fast? Does she need more time between her last relationship and me?

I just want this to work, so I need to breathe, relax, and take it one step at a time. I mean, I'm totally falling for her, but... Actually, there's no "but". I trust my instincts. It'll all be ok.

QT

2009-06-19T15:55:00.000-07:00

I haven't posted in 9 days... which is weird because I was posting pretty much daily for a bit there. I think I stopped because this was becoming a blog all about E., which I never wanted. I want to be able to post about shit I wouldn't anywhere else, BUT - this is getting boring. Tricycle was getting boring. I think I'm pulling out of this slump though, which is sweet. I think I just fell into that well-known pattern of crushing on a straight girl, getting overly excited, and then (inevitably) getting overly depressed about it. I've stopped talking to her pretty much completely though, and it's getting easier each day, so I think that'll help. I mean, how many straight girls did I crush on before Douche? There were at least 4 big ones... I've had 2 since Douche, so maybe 2 more? Oh God... I don't want to be single for that long.

I saw a TOTAL cutie at a bubble tea place last night. I can't get her out of my brain. That was a good sign... although E. still found her way into my fantasies last night / today.

Speaking of which: masturbation followed by cigarettes is the best way to start a day.

Alright, enough for now!

Irrelevant

2009-06-09T16:50:00.000-07:00

I fucking cracked again.........

FUCK. Stop, Tricycle!

Whatever though. Like, E's irrelevant.

Not talking about her or to her ever again.

Starting........... yeah right!

trippppp

2009-06-08T20:04:00.000-07:00

If I was choking right now, nobody could save me. I'm alone in my apartment. I'd die alone. That's scary. I wonder how red my face is. I just sneezed with (marijuana) smoke in my mouth and now my throat is raw. It hurts. Mabs I need some watah!

I'm high right now. Is that already apparent?

BRB - need watah! Stat!

Got some water, and some popcorn. Unreal.

Shit, I forgot about this. Throat doesn't hurt at all anymore. Unreal.

So E... never really followed up on that... yeah, so I cracked on Thursday and messaged her. The conversation was brutal - one-word answers and shit. Rough. Then I tried her Friday again. Also rough. Then Friday my friend's like, "E texted me, she's hammered, call her" and so I didn't call, but I texted, but I accidentally hit dial, I think... then I click hang-up and text instead... This is confusing me... I'm high, so that's rough... Anyway, so I text and she calls me and is like, "Did you call me?" and I'm like "No" so she's like "okay, bye!" and I'm like, "uhhh okay, bye!" It was awkward. Then we texted for a bit longer, and then she said she was going to sleep. The texts were dumb though, cuz we were like both drunk. Anyway, Saturday and SUnday I didn't msg/text/Facebook/etc. THen today I don't msg either because I'm trying not to and she messages me, and it was so weird and rough and strange... I just don't get it. Why does she talk to me anymore? And why, when she does, is it so different?

I'm tripping!

Day 4

2009-06-04T00:04:00.000-07:00

I just got home. It's 3am. She came online a little while ago. I was close, but I didn't crack... She's offline now. Fuck. So this is how it is? We just don't talk anymore? I know 4 days (or really 3) is nothing, but like, it used to be every day... there used to be drunk texts... fuck me. Ugh.

In good news! Season 3 of "Life of Ryan" is on YouTube.

Shit, she's back on again. Is she ever gonna message?

I just @'d her. That's cheating. I might delete it.

Edit
It's 6:22pm. I'm at work. I did end up deleting that @. Ugh. I'm tempted right now. What would the harm be if I messaged? I've gone 3 days... I mean, I know I can do it... but what would the good be if I messaged? I mean, I'd be better off NOT messaging, but... what if she never messages me again? It's just over? It's just... over?

Fuck... I need to talk myself out of this, right? But if we never talk again, doesn't that say that something IS up? Fuck.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

What if I message and we have a terrible convo? Ugh.
What if I message and she's like "G2G" right away? Ugh.
What if I message and it's back to normal?

OMG I shouldn't... I shouldn't... I'll be stronger if I don't, but I hate that she might never ever message me again... but if she doesn't, then that's fate... but if I message her, that's fate too... Actually, the fact that I'm questioning this so much means that I probably SHOULD NOT message her... AHHHHHHH!!!

Edit.
I cracked.

Day 3

2009-06-03T09:52:00.000-07:00

Ew. My table (where my computer is) is really sticky and dirty. I should scrub it tonight. I just showered and now my arms feel sticky and gross. ICK!

I love my mornings. I sat on the balcony for like 20 minutes this morning just smoking, drinking coffee, and listening to my new iPod. I could do it forever. That's why I always wish I would wake up a little earlier, so I can maximize morning time... but it's kinda hard to when I go to bed at 3am.

You know what? This summer is SO much better without my dumbass ex-girlfriend, Madam Douchebag. Sure I had sex whenever I wanted it, and I had nightly plans... but I've pretty much got nightly plans now, and they're better ones. They don't consist of Douche playing around on Facebook while I played Tony Hawk Underground on her GameCube. God, it was SO obvious that we were falling apart. I can't believe I didn't see it then!

Moving on...

It's Day 3. No cracking yet - on either side. I told Moo last night and she's like, fuck it! It's not worth it, she's not worth it... she's just not that into you. She must be right... but that being said, is it possible that she's waiting for me? Doubtful. My boss says that she thinks E. likes the attention when she's feeling unconfident or insecure, but when she's feeling good she feels no need to talk to me. It's sad, but a really legit theory, and honestly? I'm caring a lot less. I mean, who is E anyway? Like, she's been in my life for a little over 2 months now, but my life isn't better or worse because of her. It's just another distraction... another thing to fantasize about and obsess over until someone else comes along, or until I maybe get involved with something real.

One can only hope.....

**EDIT 1 - 2:30pm**

Back at work... I love work. I love having things to keep me busy.

She's online. Do you think she'll ever crack?

**EDIT 2 - 8:24pm**

She's been online all day. No cracking from either side. I'm so tired. No energy. I wanted to do laundry tonight, but I just don't see myself having the energy to do so. That being said, I dread the idea of sitting waiting for myself and her to not message each other, because that's what'll happen, isn't it? I mean, there's been no communication since Sunday, and even then, the communication between us since the roadtrip has been totally different. What the fuck is it? What the fuck has changed? Why does she not wanna talk anymore? She had her fill? She got turned off?

...or is it positive? Does she like me? Does she want me to initiate?

I can't. If she was interested, she would.

...or would she? I mean, why must I rely on her?

FML.

Day 2

2009-06-02T09:45:00.001-07:00

Day 2 has begun. I've got about 45 minutes until I leave for work, so it's still relatively early in the day, but, as always, it will be a challenge. I wonder how long it's gonna take. I wonder if it's gonna be as straightforward as just making it through each day without caving. I wonder if she's gonna message me. I wonder if it's gonna be complicated and if something new will throw me off... something like her drunk texting me again... something like her taking my "hard to get"ness and running with it, like her chasing me instead... Whatever happens, eventually there's gonna be some kind of "solution"... some kind of "Oh okay, so this is how it is". There's always one of those moments.

Additionally, I'm having some anxieties about money. I think it's about time I go to the bank and work out some kind of plan or get some kind of advice. I'm 22 now and eventually I'm gonna look into things like a car (once I get my license) or a house or something, and I imagine my credit right now is kind of shit, but there's gotta be some kind of solution, so I should try and find it.

I'm going on a big trip for almost all of July. I'm gonna make a promise to myself RIGHT NOW that I will meet with someone at the bank before June 26th.

I will meet with someone at the bank about my finances before June 26th.

I don't want to have this anxiety on my trip, so I promise I will sort this out beforehand.

I may have screwed myself a bit, but I can't be in that bad shape... or if I am, there's a solution.

**EDIT... a couple hours later**
I'm at work. She's online. The true Day 2 battle has begun.

**EDIT 2**
She's on Facebook Chat, but not MSN. Have I been blocked?

**EDIT 3**
She's back on MSN. Still no messaging. Rough times.

**EDIT 4**
Fuuuucccckkkk. She's on Facebook Chat, but not MSN again. I'm wondering if it's a legit block. Needless to say, not pleased.

Day 1

2009-06-01T21:20:00.000-07:00

Day 1 - COMPLETE. No texting, MSNing, or Facebooking. She's been online for a lot of the day, but I never caved. I won't today either. I promise.

**EDIT**

Fuck, this is hard, and depressing. I can't tell if I'm not tired or if I'm hoping she'll still message me tonight. FML. All I wanna do is smoke and then fall asleep. I wish I had some weed... or some hard liquor. She's obviously not gonna message me tonight though. It's deliberate, too. She used to message me almost the second I got online, and now? Nope. Not a message or a text, and she knows I'm online.

So what does it mean? What did it mean before she stopped messaging? And now that she has? What changed? Is it nothing? Is it something? What did I do? Did I fuck it up, or can you even call it that? Will she ever message if I never do?

Fuck me, what is with this? This is how it happens though. I ask a lot of questions and then eventually I stop caring to ask, and then I stop caring..... I never wanted to stop, but eventually I just do. It just happens like that.

So is it over then? Just another chapter to fade away? Did I write enough poetry about it? Fuck. When will the next real one come? Douche was real. She was legit and tangible and credible experience..... E? She's just another gal, eh? Well, fuck me. Fuck my stupid life and all these stupid straight girls..... or more than that, all these stupid unrequited crushes.....

but what would I do if she told me she liked me? Would it be like a dream come true? Or would I realize it was just lust right from the beginning and it never meant anything more than another face to picture while I masturbated? I know that sounds horrible, but is that it? I mean, fuck - I don't really love her. I know what love is now and this isn't it. It seems more like lust, or a fun way to pass the time. I love fantasies - people to dream about while I walk to work or before I fall asleep at night.

Does that mean it's not them? It's me. It's not her torturing me, it's me torturing myself?

She's not gonna message me tonight, and I'm not gonna message her.

So that's what it was the whole time? The roadtrip? The drunk texts? Just another fantasy? When she gets drunk next, will she text me? What will I say? Will I be cold and "hard to get"? I'm not hard to get. I'm easy to get. I'm an easy target because I'm not ready for a relationship yet..... otherwise I'd be in one, or at least I'd stop crushing on another maybe straight girl.

What if she does like me? Would it mean anything? What would I do then? Would it be perfect? Or would it be scary as shit because the reason I like her so much is that she's unattainable? Just a fucking fabrication. She's a real person, but she's an idea to me. Does that make me worse than her? Is she even bad?

Is she aware that I'm thinking like this? She's still online.

FUCK. SHIT. COCK. BALLS. SLUT. CUNT. SHITTY. FUCKING. MOTHERFUCKER. ASS. FAGGOTY. DYKEY. BULLSHIT. DICK. PRICK. BITCH. FUCK. PISS. ASS. CUNT. BASTARD.

Ugh. What now? Day 2?

dead horse

2009-05-31T18:36:00.000-07:00

I know I'm a broken record, but I don't care. I'm thinking about E. She's making me crazy because I'm still crushing, but she's also really getting under my skin... drunk texts, mixed signals, etc. at a constant, but then tonnes of coldness and passive aggression when we talk online. In person she's shy and quiet, but then online she's a mixture of a flirt, my new best friend, and my worst enemy. It's driving me INSANE.

Moo said today that E's a dead-end, and I might as well agree. No more texting, MSNing, or Facebooking anymore, unless she initiates, but even then - perhaps some coldness and "hard-to-get"ness from my end wouldn't be such a bad idea.

Ugh. This is obviously never happening.

Mad Fools

2009-05-29T10:34:00.000-07:00

Oh God...

This hangover is more than just physical.

It's mental. Emotional. Psychological. Suicidal.

Ok, that's a little dramatic, but I acted. a. fool. last night. Seriously. I don't even want to recount every moment (because snippets have been coming back to me all morning, and I can't bear to type them out), but let's just say that it was rough. Personal low maybe? Yeahhh personal low.

Ugh. Ugh.

I will add more to this entry in a bit. Time for work soon.

I wanna die.

Twenee Too

2009-05-28T06:14:00.000-07:00

Happy Birthday to MEEEEEE!

Tricycle is 22 and my birthday present to myself is going to be that I can post as many times as I want today. YAY!

Who was the first person to text me a birthday greeting? E.

Swooooooooooon.

I veen!

2009-05-26T13:36:00.000-07:00

Ughhhhh... She's online but hasn't messaged me. I will not under any circumstances message her. I drunk-texted her last night. I don't regret it, but I also deleted my inbox and outbox so I have NO idea what I said. I'm sure I'd remember if it was bad, so I'm not worried, but still...

I'm frustrated with the changes our friendship has gone through.

That's a lie. I'm frustrated because it's seeming less likely that anything NON-friendly will ever happen. I mean, let's be honest here. Truthfully, there was never any chances of that anyway though, it seems, so...

Oh, she messaged me. Ha. FML.

@'d

2009-05-24T14:42:00.000-07:00

Mmmm..... I have some chicken and baby corn simmering in a sauce I made up on my own. It's a mixture of ranch dressing, Teriyaki sauce, and a whole bunch of different spices I just threw in. Ooh! And there's also lemon and lemon pepper. Yummy! I have a feeling it's gonna be absolutely delish!!! I'll let you know how it turns out. It's time to eat!

It was delicious (4-5 hours later). It was tangy and sweet and perfectly delectable! Now I'm having dessert - two pieces of toast covered in sugar, cinnamon, and icing sugar, haha!

E just @'d me on Twitter, if you know what that means, haha... that is, if anyone even reads this blog. Anyway, that doesn't matter. So, the last I'd heard from her was last night - another (maybe drunk) text. We'd been talking all day on MSN (initiated by me) and then she left rather abruptly, but it wasn't a big deal. I got into bed and was watching a movie ("Juno" - E's favourite. Coincidence?) when my phone vibrated with a text from her. She apologized for her quick leave from MSN. SO. F'IN. CUTE. Like, she does all the things I've always wanted from a crush, but that doesn't mean she's crushing back... It just means she's cute and sweet and will continue to torture me with her cuteness and sweetness until I no longer consider her cute and sweet.

Anyway, the texting left off with a boring one from me, and then I fell asleep. No word from her today. She's been on MSN for a few hours, but I've stayed strong. Then I see this @tricycle on Twitter (except my name on Twitter isn't tricycle, so don't look).

I'm obsessed, but at least she's not dropping me like dirty laundry.

Maybe she'll message me at some point or @ me again. I'll keep this entry going until then.

It's 10:57pm.

It's 12:26 now. She @'d me again, so I messaged her. We've been chatting since.

HML.

The Duel

2009-05-17T20:48:00.000-07:00

E's online. I just got home. I'm baked. I thought I might be getting drunk texts from her tonight, but she's just online. I haven't messaged her, but I really really want her to message me, so instead of driving myself crazy waiting, I thought I'd write about waiting and make it easier on myself.

Does that make sense? Maybe not because I'm H. I'm like really H. High, I mean, but also horny. OMG she messaged!!! YAY! I won! LOL.

Whoa, I don't usually write like this, but I like it... It's very high, haha! Ahahahahaha unreal. Really happy with the fact that I waited it out, hahahah.

Whoa. SO H.

THE BEAST

2009-05-15T12:10:00.000-07:00

God, I have some serious back pain right now… or maybe it’s more in the shoulders / neck. Wherever it is, it’s fucking killing me. I have some friends coming over tonight – maybe I can convince one of them to give me a little rub-down. I wish it was E., haha, but she probably wouldn’t do it. I gave her a few massages in BC – the kind of massages where you straddle the person when they’re lying on their stomach. Needless to say it was pretty hot. She gave me one or two as well, but they were totally half-assed, the selfish little bitch. Not that I cared, really, because it was great having her straddling my back with her legs regardless of what she was doing with her hands.

Fuck. That may have been the dirtiest and perv-iest paragraph I’ve written in this blog yet. I’m proud of it because the whole point of this blog was to be able to say the things I can’t anywhere else… in some ways I have been doing that, but in other ways I’ve just been writing about the same bullshit that I write about everywhere else… that I talk about… that I cry about…

I had a few mini-cries last night. I was so goddamned depressed and it kinda came out of nowhere. I’m on my period though, so I’m just gonna chock it up to PMS, hormones, and all that other unfair bullshit. Speaking of my period, sometimes menstrual blood is so distinctly red. I mean, sometimes it’s brown, and sometimes it’s close to black… other times it’s more like crimson, but then sometimes it’s perfectly red, like Crayola red. It’s amazing that nature comes in colours like that. Like the sky today – so perfectly blue…

I’m loving this entry so far. So random and inspired.

Last night I was depressed, like I said. My roommate is moved out (NOT why I’m depressed) and she disconnected the Internet before leaving, because it was in her Dad’s name. Legit move, I’m not mad, BUT it’s fucking annoying not to have decent wireless. I’ve been stealing signals, but none of them are reliable, and even when they work it’s so slow. I guess I should get hooked up with some wireless of my own, but it would mean buying a router and paying a monthly bill and I feel like I just can’t be bothered to add another expense to my life when I’m already drowning in my current ones… That being said, it really is depressing not to have Internet. I want to be able to watch YouTube videos until my heart is content, but I can’t do that when they take an hour to fully load. So what do I do, suck it up and enjoy the wonderfully quick Internet at work and then take up reading? Or, do I suck it up in the other sense and get some Internet at my apartment? Conundrum… I think we both know what I need to do though. I need to get myself linked up!

UPDATE: I’m currently involved in a live chat with some representative from Bell, haha!

Ooh! I just cleaned out my student email inbox and went from 88% content to 47%. That felt good, and it was a little therapeutic, too. Four years of school and one more to go… Did I mention I passed Latin? For that matter, did I mention I was taking Latin? Well, I did, and I was. I was really destined to fail, but somehow I managed to JUST pass with a D-. I don’t care AT ALL about the low mark because it’s a pass, and it means that I never have to take Latin again, so who cares?! Additionally, the first time I took the course (that’s right, I failed it once before, and almost failed again) was when my ex and I were first dating, and then the second time I took it (most recently) was when my ex and I broke up, so if I had failed again? I would have been fucking pissed at myself. It’s like my ex was still reaching into my life and fucking it up… when in reality it was me making bad (although, that’s debatable) choices. What happens in my life is not the results of others’ actions, but only my own. Really, I believe that’s true.

For example, this Latin situation with the ex (we’ll call her… Douche): the first time I failed was not her fault. I was head-over-heels in love and I chose to spend my time with my girlfriend rather than conjugating verbs and declining nouns. For the record: no regrets. The second time I took it I was recently single and wanted to party away the sadness and make a new life for myself. In doing that I neglected a lot of scholastic responsibilities, but near the end of the term I realized, “shit, I don’t wanna fail”, so I got my stuff together and redeemed myself; not a lot, but enough to pass all of my courses, which is a goddamn miracle. Anyway, what I mean is that it’s not Douche’s fault in either case. I make decisions based on the things that I experience and then take action, so I control my destiny in a way, although I still believe in fate… but I think fate plays a part in all of the decisions I make, kinda like I’m pre-programmed BUT I still feel like I have free will maybe… Whoa, philosophical, eh? Anyway, moral of the story is that my ex actually IS a douche.

Actually, speaking of Douche, I’ve been thinking about her lately… Not that it’s strange to think about her; because truthfully what I’m thinking about is the void she left in terms of me not having a girlfriend. That’s what I really want, but Douche is all that there’s ever been, so naturally it’s her I think of. Anyway, sometimes we talk on Gmail Chat. It used to be her messaging me all the time, but the past couple days I’ve messaged her… I wonder: if I never messaged her would she be content to never speak again? I mean, she made a totally new life for herself when we broke up. She lives in a new city, she has a new job, she has new friends, and of course – she has a new girlfriend AND lives with said girlfriend. It’s not as though my life is exactly the same minus her. It’s just that I live in the same city, go to the same school, and (mostly) hang out with the same people. However, in a lot of ways I am not the same person. I’ve done a lot of things since we broke up that have changed me, and that I wouldn’t have done while with Douche. Deep down I know every single moment that it was the right thing, but I still wish my heart had someone to feel those deep, intense feelings for like it did with her. No doubt that it will again, but when?

Wow… this entry is unreal. I’m not stopping yet!

When I came back from my road trip my roommate emailed me saying there was no food at the apartment, so I might have to live off of expired milk and cereal for a few days. When I got to the apartment I saw that there were four untouched chicken breasts, fresh strawberries, and a whole bunch of other delicious treats. I don’t get her relationship with food. She buys great food, but is too lazy to prepare it, or even just straight-up eat it. I mean like strawberries! They’re ready to eat! C’mon, eat ‘em! Oh well, I’m glad I got to enjoy them anyway, but seriously – she has an issue with food. She thinks that mashed potatoes are too flavourful. Is she crazy?! Mashed potatoes don’t get less flavourful. Don’t get me wrong – I love mashed potatoes, but flavourful?!? Anyway, I’m obviously starting to babble. I need to either come up with some more stuff to write about, or quit while I’m (kinda) ahead.

I just remembered this time I was heading home from school on the subway and the train broke down or something a pretty long way from my house. I called my Mom from a payphone to try and get a ride, but (legitimately) she said “no”. She probably refused because the traffic would’ve been a bitch, but what I remember best is me saying on the phone, “I’m not shitting you Mom, I really need a way to get home”, or something along those lines. I remember her gasping in shock – I don’t talk to my Mom that way normally. I wonder why this memory resurfaced… Anyway, I walked all the way home, which was about 45 minutes, and of course it was the day my iPod ran out of batteries and when I was wearing my least supportive shoes… Strange memory.

Whoa, I’m starting to get tired. I’ve been writing this entry for a while now, off and on, and it’s now 3pm, a.k.a. almost the end of the workday. After work I’m going to the grocery store to get a few things, and then having a few friends over for a night in!

Anyway, that’s all for now! Literally, it’s time to end this post.

It’s been a goodie!

She stole my heart and my cat!

2009-05-13T13:14:00.000-07:00

Bahhhh. Not like a sheep, but like a frustrated Tricycle.

She's not talking to me like she used to, and I don't think it's in my head.

Then again, who fucking cares?! She's been in my life for less than 2 months and I mean, she's cute and great, but I have greater friends... It's just a fucking crush. It always seems like my whole world at the time, but it's not.

Even my financial situation. It's looking pretty bleak and it makes me anxious, but it's fix-able. It might take some more saving, discipline, cutting down on the partying... but regardless, I can fix it. I need to stop being anxious and just hiding my head under the sand, and instead be PROACTIVE. It doesn't mean I have to go beg my parents or declare bankruptcy, because it's not like that. It's just about making smart decisions. I'd really like to have my shit paid off by next April... even before, but I have to be realistic. I wanna graduate debt free. The sad thing is that I don't even have student debt. I suppose it's more like STUPID debt. Hahah... but not actually that funny.

A while later...

We're talking now... she seems more like she used to, but I am over-thinking it. My friend Jelly (hahah... Jelly) told me E. has a lot on her plate, so I shouldn't worry. I'll try that out.

P.S. I had this crush in high school... we'll call her Monster, because she was one. Anyway, eventually Monster and I broke up, and not in the sense that we were dating, but we did the whole "we can't be friends" thang. So when we "broke up" I used to always write about her in my diaries and stuff, but I'd never refer to her as Monster, but always just as "she" or "her". I became fascinated with the pronoun. I couldn't even say her fucking name.

Now I'm doing that with E. I don't mean in this blog, because I'm calling her E. for the sake of my privacy... and her's as well, I suppose. But just generally... and in my diary maybe... it concerns me, and fascinates me. It also suggests that NOTHING will happen here. She's an idea, not a reality. I mean, at least for me... which is sad for her, but not really. More so for me.

We're having a good conversation though, so I'm not gonna let it bother me.

I'm a douchebag, basically.

2009-05-11T12:23:00.000-07:00

Sheeeeeeeeeet.

I know this feeling. She logged on MSN (like, just... logged on... little window popped up with her name) and I got a flutter + anxiety. Then I opened a chat window and haven't messaged her, it's just sitting at the bottom of the screen.

Seriously? I'm here again? This is Lame (with a capital "L"). Ugh. So what now? I wait and see if she messages and if she doesn't then I do? Or if neither of us message, I... ? What then? God this is dumb. NO. I haven't been thinking about her today. I've been keeping busy with things at work. She and I are friends. I don't have to worry, stress, or get anxious about it.

That being said, it worries me that I'm at a point where I need to say things like: "She and I are friends."

...

She doesn't message me anymore though. Okay, that's dramatic, but kinda true. Well... okay no, mostly dramatic. Anyway, pretty much for 3-4 weeks there she messaged me EVERY TIME I WAS ONLINE. Now she hasn't... for 2 days...

Fuck, I'm pathetic. Thank God for this secret blog.
Ick. I'm kinda embarrassed for myself.
I just want her to message me.
Ugh. FML.

And just as soon as the words left her lips... she decided to move on.

2009-05-10T21:02:00.000-07:00

So I talked to another friend about E tonight; a friend that knows E better than Moo. In fact, this friend, I'll call her Jelly, seems to know ME better than Moo does, despite the fact that Moo has known me for like 4 years and Jelly has known me for a few months... these fake names are ridiculous. ANYWAY, so I tell Jelly that I have a crush on someone and she already knows it's E. I'm kinda dumbfounded, but at the same time Jelly totally comes across as someone who is really perceptive. Regardless, I ask her how she knows. She tells me it's by the way I look at E... the look in my eyes... she can tell that for me E is the only one in the room...

Seriously?! From my eyes?! Wow... I'm not gonna think of it as me being obvious, because I think it's more that Jelly is UNBELIEVABLY perceptive. Impressive, eh?

Anyway... Jelly also tells me that E knows I like her... or at least she knew at one point in time. Somebody told her and she didn't care at all. Well that's good, I guess. I mean, it'd be great if she cared in the way I wanted her to, but we can't all have what we want. It sure makes the BC trip interesting though. I mean, she knew? Jelly says that maybe E doesn't know that the crush still exists, but still...

Anyway, according to Jelly, although she wasn't harsh in the least, the feelings aren't reciprocated. She doesn't know that for sure, and she wasn't presumptuous, but she was direct enough to make me think: maybe it's about time I move on from this little (read: big) crush. I know I was singing a different song yesterday, but I really think it's time. I got all anxious about E last night, and I've been thinking about her today, and I think I should at least get the ball rolling on moving on. It doesn't happen instantly, but we might as well get started, eh?

Okay!

Crushing news!

2009-05-09T23:13:00.000-07:00

Wow. I wish I could be sure that I'll write a long entry right now, because I'd say - brew yourself a pot of coffee, put on some comfy clothes, and read about my trials and tribulations, but I can't ever be sure I'll end up with something substantial. The same thing always happens with my actual journal (you know, like a paper and pen kinda deal). Sometimes I just wanna let it all out, but my inspiration and motivation won't take me as far as I wanna go. If the muse isn't with you, the muse isn't with you. (Exactly, George.) [That was a "Six Feet Under" quote, but I'm not sure I got it completely right.]

Aaaaanyway..........

So. I just got home to my parents' house for a weekend after the long-awaited roadtrip + 4 days in Kelowna, BC. The roadtrip was absolutely amazing -- good times, good music, lots of laughs, and some of the most breath-taking scenery I've ever seen.

BUT that's not what I'm in the mood to chat about. I wanna chat about my crush - E. She came on the roadtrip with us. I only have an hour left on my Mom's laptop (battery), but I'm gonna do my best to really break-down my experience with E from start to finish. I think if I focus on just her that I can get it all out in one sitting, but first I have to pee.

Okay back.

Okay, E. I met her at my best friend's birthday. We'll call my best friend Moo. Moo has been my best friend for 4 years, and she was celebrating her birthday at a pub. Moo plays hockey and I try to go to a lot of the games, although this year I haven't gone to a tonne. A bunch of Moo's hockey teammates come to the pub to celebrate with her - including E. I notice E immediately. She's cute, beautiful, and hot, all at once. We all get really hammered that night, have a great time, and go home.

The next day E adds me to Facebook. Then she messages me on Facebook chat. Then she gives me her number. Then a few days later we chat on Facebook and she gets me to add her to MSN. Ever since the beginning of April we've been chatting pretty much nightly on MSN. Like, chatting from 10pm-5am on a regular basis. We've hung out a few times too -- once she came over to my apartment, another time we went out for beers and got high, and there's been other hang-out sessions too..... and then of course the constant chatting and texting -- all the time. The conversations are good too -- always interesting and funny and sometimes even flirty.

Anyway, so when Moo and I decided to do this roadtrip we needed another driver, and E offerred. At this point E knew I was going, so could she have come for me? Maybe, but anyway..... so she's coming now too. We pretty much talk about it daily. We're both SO excited. We text and message constantly.

Then we go on the roadtrip. It's weird because most of our getting to know each other has been online, but the trip goes amazingly well. 3.5 days in the car together = lots of laughing, singing, and having fun. She seems comfortable with me, but still flirty. We make eye contact and smile at each other a lot.

Once in Kelowna it's even better because we're sleeping in the same bed. 3 of the 4 nights we get hammered and 1 of the nights we get STONED. The first night she gives me a back massage and then we fall asleep spooning. The last night I give her a back massage and we fall asleep spooning AND with my arm around her. On the last night we go out to a bar and get so drunk. One of Moo's friends from Kelowna asks me to talk about my coming-out (of the closet) story and all those gritty details about my sexuality. I tell her and all the time E is staring at me, listening, despite the fact that I'm mostly addressing Moo's friend while telling the story. When we leave the bar it's raining and E asks me to make an umbrella for her out of my arms. I lay my arms over her and she wraps her arms around me. Upon getting into the car, E and I sit right next to each other (despite there being lots of room) and I put my arm around her.

WTF?!?! She knows I'm queer, she knows I'm more into girls than guys, she knows my whole story..... yet she continues to cuddle, "flirt" (although that could be argued), and stay physically close to me a lot of the time. Is she just totally comfortable and chill with me? She's only known me a little over a month though. My friend suggested that maybe I make her feel a lot more comfortable about herself? Like, her own "bisexuality" (in quotations because it's hypothetical). Is it wrong of me to assume her comfort with me means some kind of attraction or queerness? So many questions..... so good to write.....

Regardless, I'm getting anxious for answers, but what if they never come? They always do, one way or another..... She gets a boyfriend, I finally tell her how I feel (dumb!), or..... or..... maybe it's neither of those answers. Maybe she does like me. I mean, it's possible..... I just don't want to prepare for that scenario when it's less likely..... or is it? I need to talk more to Moo. She is NOT one to think anyone's gay (unless it's REALLY obvious) and even she says that maybe E could be feeling something..... I'm hopeful, but I'm also scared. I've been through this and I'm not anxious to feel all that bullshit again. Ugh.

Okay. That was a legit entry. I'm tired.

Roadtripping

2009-05-01T02:57:00.000-07:00

I can't believe it! I feel like I've been waiting for SO long and the day is finally here. Me, my best friend, and my crush/friend are heading on an INSANE 4-day roadtrip! I can't wait. I don't even mind being up at 6am.

Pause a tiff it y.

2009-04-27T06:50:00.000-07:00

Exam in 4 hours and 10 minutes.

When I woke up I was in a bad mood. I think it was a combination of being tired and feeling frustrated about this excrutiating exam period. Almost EVERYONE is done and I've just been puttering around studying (or more accurately, feeling sorry for myself) without any dedication to the material or the end result.

BUT - I know that being depressed about not being done won't help anything. I need to approach today's exam with a positive attitude. Sure, I might not get 100% on it (or close), but that doesn't mean I don't have to be optimistic, try my hardest, and hope for the best, does it? NO - I must be positive. I will take a deep breath, smile, stretch, encourage myself, and see what happens! YES!

I know it's cheesy, but it's incredible what a positive attitude can do for your case, whatever it may be.

I should leave to campus relatively soon. I'll give myself 15 more minutes and then I have to leave... or rather, get ready to leave. Basically, I have to get off the computer in 15 minutes. Yes. Then I will go to campus, sell a textbook for $10, go buy cigarettes with said $10, then go sit in the school building next to the building where my exam is and just review, review, REVIEW.

Ok, I should head out!
Wish me luck!

insomnia for you

2009-04-25T20:49:00.001-07:00

I wanted to be in bed by midnight tonight. It's 10 minutes to, and I could definitely still do it, but something is holding me back.

It's my crush. I wanna stay up and get her texts. I wanna wait until she comes online and chats with me. I wanna look at pictures of her and get that warm, fuzzy feeling inside when she messages me.

Wow... am I that far gone? I never meant to be.

I thought she might've stopped texting me, but there's another one. It's one of those texts where you can't tell if another one's coming after/before it. I'll give it a few minutes. A few more minutes to take a deep breath that is hard to breathe in because you're feeling anxiety/butterflies at the same time.

Wow. Wow, wow, wow...

I think it's the idea of it all. I mean - a new crush. I doubt she reciprocates, but of course there's that little voice that keeps saying, "maybe... maybe... maybe..." and I listen to it because I want it to be true, but it never is... but it's not always terrible in the end either. Sometimes it just fades away. This will too...

It's midnight now. It's time for bed, but I can't. I told myself no computer. Just bed. Maybe a book. I mean, I can just lie there with my cell phone on... I need to be up in the morning to study. I need to be ready to get to campus by noon at the latest.

Just a little longer...?

Seriously?

2009-04-17T07:48:00.000-07:00

My roommate bought paper plates and disposable cups because she's too busy (read: lazy) to wash dishes.

**EDIT**
I still want to stick with only 1 entry a day, but I just realized that I can still ADD to an entry after posting... Silly Tricycle.

I really like this blog. I wonder if anyone follows it. Follow... can you tell I use Twitter? I do, but not under this name, so don't even try to look for me. It's impossible. Tricycle Lowtops is ONLY my blogger identity and I love it and don't wanna ruin it. I haven't even told anyone that I have a secret blog... I might have told someone once, but I haven't mentioned it since. I like keeping it private because I get to blog IMMEDIATELY after something happens (usually scandalous, embarrassing, etc.) and get it all out there without stressing. I'm probably a much calmer person thanks to this blog. Actually, I'm calm because of masturbation & weed. Let's be real.

I'm having a great day. I woke up a little later than intended, but no harm done, so I quickly showered and headed to meet some people for lunch. It was someone else's treat, and a quite fancy restaurant, and........................

OMG
I'm drunk.

How could I update now? I should just sign off.

xoxoxoxo

f-ed.

2009-04-11T14:15:00.000-07:00

Something so fucked up just happened. Thank God for this blog. This is not something I can twitter or Facebook about, or even LJ about. It's meant only for Tricycle Lowtops.

What was it?

I was just masturbating and JUST started my orgasm when my Mom yelled something to me. I answered her question, all the while still rubbing off and climaxing.

I cannot be phased.

Midma, too.

2009-04-10T07:14:00.000-07:00

I went on MDMA again last night. My second time. This time we didn't get tablets - we got powder that we drank in Gatorade/Red Bull/water. That was around 10pm last night. Then we went to the club where we saw The Bloody Beetroots, MSTRKRFT, Crookers, and Steve Aoki. Within 30 minutes or so I was LOVING LIFE. I was high outta my mind and just dancing all over the place. The night lasted until 5am. We left the club and drove back to where I live and go to school. Now I'm still up (can't fall asleep) watching "Living Lohan" and NOT writing my essay, even though I really should be.

That's all I can handle mentioning right now, but FYI - I'm frustrated with some friends.

Crushed

2009-04-08T13:34:00.001-07:00

It's really frustrating being gay sometimes. I like being gay and I am so fortunate because I have an AMAZING family/friend group who all support me and love me. They don't ignore my queerness - they embrace it. My parents are especially amazing. They're constantly sending me clips/articles/etc. about queer stuff - not in an annoying way, just in a way that shows how much they love me. I love it! I'm also totally comfortable with myself - I'm very clear on my sexual orientation, and as far as I'm concerned, there's no ambiguity in that arena for me. So - what is it that makes being gay frustrating if all of these things are so perfect?

CRUSHES.

I love to love/like. I have a lot of feelings, and I really like directing them towards someone, so a crush is usually a welcome distraction. BUT what about when you don't know her orientation? She's a couple years younger than I, and so her interest in me could simply be a younger girl looking up to an older one, right? I mean, if I were her age, I'd think I was pretty cool too, haha! But maybe it's not like that... maybe she is crushing on me.

I met her through a friend. My friend (who's not one to assume that anyone's gay, unless they're more stereotypical) thinks that it's possible that the girl I'm crushing on (we'll call her S.) is bisexual or something. Ugh it's hard to say. And I've had crushes on straight girls before, so I'm not really concerned about it... but... UGH!

Anyway, that's all for now - exams to study for, essays to write...

Wonderful

2009-04-04T13:24:00.000-07:00

I don't know if I've ever mentioned this before, but I am a person who really likes to savour wonderful moments. Wonderful moments happen a lot, and I'm sure I let a lot of them slip by, but when I'm having a day like today - woke up hungover in my best friend's bed, went out for breakfast, got dropped off at home, and have since done very little... masturbated, listened to music, watched lots of "Six Feet Under", and have been tidying my apartment up as well... It's just been really wonderful. Wonderful, wonderful, wonderful... Just thought I'd share.

Also - I Love The Bloody Beetroots (two separate links, just FYI).

Okay, I wanted to write more but I don't have it in me. I must conserve my energy in order to spend the entire night smoking weed and hanging with hot girls. I feel like a rock star.

Pose Is Shun

2009-03-31T20:52:00.000-07:00

YES. I must be in an okay position. After the shittiness of last night, and a few one-word texts that did nothing to make me feel better, I got home from campus and when I opened MSN she messaged me right away. Not about anything in particular, but encouraging all the same. I feel incredibly relieved. I will NOT fuck this up again by taking the conversation to bad places.

I didn't! Conversation over and it was pleasant.

Bed time!

Real Aps.

2009-03-30T23:50:00.001-07:00

Fuck. I almost made some progress and then I flopped again. Why am I relapsing??? Why am I allowing myself to be so... desperate? Is that the word? Ugh. I'm putting emotions on the ground to just be pounced on, gobbled up, stomped on, and thrown out. Who's stomping on them? ME! I'm just fucking with myself so that I start feeling something other than happiness, because I'm not supposed to feel happy because I'm ALONE!

It's like this reality check... So I'm throwing all of these false emotions at this poor unsuspecting girl who doesn't believe in love and I'm doing nothing to help her. I want a relationship and so I crush on her because it's convenient... she doesn't like me so I think it's okay to use her, but that doesn't make it okay. People still feel things when they're not having feelings for you - they still feel used and manipulated... ugh. I feel like an asshole.

...but she says she doesn't consider me one. Ugh. I still feel gross. I need to go to bed, shower this bullshit off of me when I wake up, and give it all another try...

FUCK FUCK FUCK. FUCK SHITTY COCK BALLS CUNTY TITTY MOTHERFUCKING SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT ASS BALLS DICK HAIRY ASSHOLE SHIT FUCK CUNTY CUNT BITCH ASSHOLE SHIT.

Why do I say the things that I say? Why do I feel the things that I feel? Nevermind these questions... There's nothing I can do about what has been done. It's so late, I need to go to bed and not be sick.

Deep breath. Sleep time.

How far will I go?

2009-03-29T10:29:00.000-07:00

I realize right now what kind of relationship I eventually want:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hD83Ns6DF_0

At about 6 minutes you see the loveliness that is Norm & Margie of "Fargo". They are one of the most tender and loving couples I've ever seen displayed on the screen. I am envious.

I had a pretty crazy night last night. It was one of my best friends' birthday celebration (her actual birthday is Tuesday) and although it was off to a slow and dramatic start, we all persevered and ended up having an amazing and outrageous night. She's a hockey player and has some fuckin' hot hockey girl friends. Yum! The stereotypes about hockey girls being lesbians is so unfortunately not true... There's just as much incidence as anywhere else. Bummer. Absolutely stunning eye candy.

I'm kinda pissed at some people... or pissed at myself... or feeling self-conscious or something... I don't even want to get into it because there's a good chance it's all just bullshit in my head. Therefore I will simply go on as if nothing is wrong until/if I'm made (explicitly) to think otherwise.

That's a big motto in my life... or not so much a motto as some kind of mantra maybe... not sure. At any rate, I've always said that we should never assume that someone's mad at us or that something's going on until we know that something is. It happens to all of us - we feel a vibe and make an assumption based on it. Often I'm sure these assumptions are right, but what good is it ever to act based on an assumption? It isn't. So it's best to curb our instinct to get all defensive/upset, and just wait it out until we find out the truth one way or another.

Example: my friend came out with me to my friend's birthday party yesterday. He seemed a little disinterested and annoyed being there, so when he left I felt angry. I thought, "so what? You don't like hanging with me? You think my other friends are less cool?" and so on and so forth... So unproductive, right? I wanted to text him earlier today just to get a dialogue started, but I stopped myself - there's no need to do something just to try to evoke some kind of reaction. So I waited and lo and behold he messaged me recently on MSN. It feels so much better now, because he made the effort, which says to me that there's no bad blood/tension/drama between us. Problem solved!

The other situation is that I have a "crush" on this girl S. The crush is in quotations because I don't know where the crush came from. Certainly she's a cute girl, smart, funny, and nice to talk to/flirt with, but I've spent little to no time with her. I think I just want a crush, and a feasible crush, a.k.a. she's gay and could like me back. The truth is, it doesn't matter whether or not she could like me, because she's told me that she doesn't. Why am I still pursuing it? This is SO reminiscient of this crush I had in the summer of 2006. I caused myself a lot of strife with that one, but I got over it, and I'll get over this too... it's just best that I be a little more proactive and give up now! If she is going to have feelings for me, it certainly won't come from me aggressively pursuing her. So it's time to stop texting, stop messaging on MSN, etc., etc. I'll get over it. I will. I just need to do what I know I need to.

Fin.

High Sweeping

2009-03-27T22:04:00.000-07:00

I'm high. It doesn't feel like 1am, it feels like 9 or 10pm. I have some crazy things to say. I hope I get them all out before I green out or lose interest.

I'm watching "30 Rock" on Rogers On Demand. Have you ever heard of R.O.D.? I love ROD.

30 Rock is really funny too... I wonder why I haven't gotten more into it. It's so funny though.

I'm writing like such a high person right now.

Today I had a "nap" that went from 4pm - 10:30pm, hence the feeling like it's 9 or 10 when it's really (now) 1:30.

Wow... interesting thing to share, eh? Haha.

Oh yeah - more things to say. I pulled an all-nighter the other night in order to write an essay. I read an entire novel and then wrote a 1500 word paper between the hours of 10:30pm & 10:30am. Then I worked on a seminar presentation until 11pm and then woke up at 5am to finish it. A.k.a. 6 hours of sleep in like 50 hours. Terrible, eh? So today I got home, had a quick snack, and then napped from 4-10:30, like I said...

Now I'm up again, but I don't wanna be up too late and fuck him my sleep schedule. I'm not tired though. Damn the person I'm talking to online (who I wanna fuck) is not talking to me. Maybe she fell asleep. Who cares?!

Your Karma Hit My Dogma

2009-03-24T11:29:00.000-07:00

Ok... this is no joke: when you have a bad day, you must believe that tomorrow will be better. It almost always is, but it really intensely relies on you believing that it will be. I'm serious. Yesterday I was on my period (still am) and was emotional and just had all this annoying stuff happen to me that was only made worse by me feeling shitty to begin with... BUT I knew that today would be good. I harnessed the energy of Paula Abdul (singer of "Promise of a New Day") and went to bed with a lot of faith in the power of tomorrow.

Thank God I did.

Today I have had a wonderful day. I went to all my classes, got some work done in between, saw a bunch of friends, had some good chats, did a favour for a friend, and then got a favour in return from someone else. I had applied for funding for a conference I went to a while back, and yesterday I finally picked up the cheque. It was for $100 - made out to me. I wasn't the one who paid for the conference though, so I went to the guy who did and he said that he didn't need it and that I could keep it for myself.

I could really use $100, too, so I'm so happy that I feel like tap-dancing on the moon!

Tiered.

2009-03-22T09:07:00.001-07:00

12:00pm
I'm about to get into the shower, but I thought I'd start my blog first (because you know how I always put off showering). I'm gonna leave the blog open all day today because I don't like to post more than once a day on this blog, but I have a feeling I'm gonna be off and on this computer all day, and in and out of the apartment too.

I am so fucking hungover. Last night was a total and complete gongshow, and so was I. I mean, I was HAMMERED. I drank so much before hitting the bar, and don't even know how I functioned properly while at the bar. I actually walked home from the bar too, which doesn't happen often. I usually cab it, or crash at my friends' place, but I'm trying to conserve the little funds I have, and I really wanted to sleep in my own bed.

I also texted my current crush ALL night and I'm pretty sure I made a fool out of myself. I was asking her to come over and shit, and continued the conversation via MSN once at home. Ugh. Why do we do such things while drunk?

Okay... gotta shower and get my show on the road. As I said, I'll leave this open, and come back to it later.

Later - 9:15pm
I am so insanely tired that I think I might go to bed really soon. If I go to bed now, then I can get up really early tomorrow and not be too tired, and still get done what I would get done right now.

I think that's gonna be my decision. I'm gonna take a couple hits on my pipe (whose name is Anne Frank, by the way), turn on an episode of "Six Feet Under" or a movie or something, and then pass the fuck out.

Alright, no more talking / typing about it. It's time to sleep.

I wanna be on top (take that how you will)

2009-03-18T20:22:00.000-07:00

Wow. I am feeling fucking amazing.
Seriously.

...like, on top of the goddamn world!!!

But no more big font.

Anyway, like I said, I'm feeling unreal. Did I share with you that I'm trying to get my shit together school-wise? My plan is to go to every single class for the rest of the term. 33 in total, and so far I am right on the money!!! 7 down, 26 to go! I've also met with a few of my profs, and emailed the others, and they're all aware that I know that I've been slacking, and that I plan to redeem myself in the last 3 weeks of classes. They're also all really supportive and helpful, and every day this week I've felt my decision reinforced.

It's interesting... I'm taking LA102 (Intro. to Latin Part II) and it's my second time taking it. The first time I failed because a) I was taking 6 courses at the time, and was totally overwhelmed, and b) I had just started dating my ex-girlfriend, so I was... consumed with other things. B) was the primary reason, obviously, and now I'm taking it AGAIN and was seeming to be destined to fail AGAIN, and my ex-girlfriend was (part of) the reason AGAIN.

I think that's part of the reason why I'm pulling my socks up finally. I don't want her impacting me like this. Don't get me wrong - grieving/mourning the relationship is fine, even 5 months later, and I don't hate her at all, but I know that the reason I was partying so hard was to get over her... and the reason I was failing was because I was partying so hard... and I just don't want to fail and then be like, it's because of her that I failed...

You know?

I want to pass everything with decent marks. I ain't expecting no A plusses, but passing would be awesome, because then I can say, I've partied and had an unreal term socially, AND I got my shit together and made it out of all this shit on top!!!

I RULE!!!

(I thought you said no more big font!)
Get over yourself, I'm on a roll.

Anyway, moving on... my best friend J. just bought us (W. and I) and him our tickets to see Steve Aoki and more of the Dim Mak crew (i.e. MSTRKRFT). Eeeeee!!! I can't wait.

Okay, I had more to write about, but I'm buzzing and need a cigarette before bed. Peace.

Distract Shun

2009-03-16T20:59:00.000-07:00

I'm still crazily obsessed with "You Don't Know Me". Go here if you wanna hear: http://hypem.com/search/regina%20you%20don%27t%20know/1/. There's at least one live version (at Jimmy Kimmel), and also, check out the mash-up with T.I.'s "U Don't Know Me" (http://hypem.com/search/regina%20t.i./1/). All of it is brilliant.

Wow, I've left this entry alone for a while. Sometimes I just open a new post hoping to be inspired, but find myself distracted by the book I'm reading (and almost done) for class, the girl I'm chat-flirting with, my aching legs (a sign that I'm tired), so much beautiful music...

Oh boy, I really am tired.

A little more flirting and it's time to sleep.

Head Spacing

2009-03-15T09:29:00.000-07:00

"You Don't Know Me"

I know I mentioned it in yesterday's post, but I cannot get it out of my head, and I don't want to. It's absolutely perfect. It's everything I want in a song right now.

Other songs keep coming on in the playlist and I just can't help but double-click on "You Don't Know Me" again. My name is T.L. and I'm a musicolic.

Anyway, so I'm enjoying some time at home. I spent last night vegging out in front of the TV with a lot of bad-for-you snacks, and then slept from about 2am-11:30am. Then I had some breakfast (complete with coffee of course!) and now I'm about to shower before heading out to the library to grab some books for school.

I intend for today to be a "get in a good head space" day. Not that I'm in a bad one, but there are 3 more weeks of classes, and I'm not doing too hot in school as of right now. The last 3 weeks is enough time to redeem myself, but only if I - you got it! - get in a good head space. I need to organize thoughts and assignments and schedules and plans and hopes and dreams and... You get what I mean.

Anyway, I wanna get out of today and say: I'm not anxious about my present life or my future because I'm capable of doing great things, I just have to get my shit together and not party all of the time. My friends and I will still be friends even if I skip out on a few social occasions, right? So why am I compelled to do everything all of the time without a thought towards my schoolwork? Well, because getting hammered or high is more fun, BUT failing is not.

Ok, shower time & then library!

Scatter-brained

2009-03-14T17:57:00.000-07:00

I just checked my online banking and my landlord FINALLY deposited the cheque I gave him, which means he and I are totally square. YES! Now if only I could be square in terms of all my other debts. Ugh. I will be. No need to worry.

I have to be in the shower by 1pm. 45 minutes to go. Why do I need to schedule showers? Well, because as much as I love being clean, I have a really hard time tearing myself away from my extended morning ritual, which includes cigarettes, coffee, music, and Internet-surfing. I honestly LOVE doing this in the morning, especially when I have good-quality coffee, like today.

I'm not coffee conoisseur by any stretch, but I know the difference between Maxwell House (what I drank yesterday) and Starbucks (what I'm drinking today).

BRB - It's 1pm (1:02 actually, I'm a cheater).

Ok, I showered. Now I'm naked drinking coffee and smoking cigarettes while listening to my favourite new song: "You Don't Know Me" by Ben Folds & Regina Spektor. Absolute musical excellence. Here's the link: http://perchmusic.com/Perchmusic/jan09/04%20You%20Dont%20Know%20Me.mp3

So, what else? Well, I'm heading off in probably 40 minutes. I've gotta grab a bus ticket (because they don't sell them at the terminal anymore) and then catch a city bus to the terminal...

...it's about 5 hours later. I didn't finish this post before leaving for the bus...

Anyway, I'm home visiting my parents for today and tomorrow. Just needed a little home time.

That's all for now!

Fire

2009-03-13T23:55:00.000-07:00

Ugh. I had a sad moment tonight. It was a moment where I nearly cried, but I didn't, so I should be glad for that. 4 months ago I might've, but I didn't tonight.

Anyway, so I saw these two girls who are dating. I was at this event I organized and they had snuck off to make out presumably. They've been going out for a year or so and it just seems like they still have such fire in their relationship. Did I still have fire at that point in mine? Why didn't we still have fire after two years? Why did it have to end?

Here's the thing though: it did end. For whatever reason (and there were reasons) it ended, and it was supposed to, or it wouldn't have. It's been almost 5 months and on how many occasions have I said, "this is the best thing that could've happened to me"? It opened me up to experiences I never would've tried when she and I were dating. I've done MDMA, I've partied my ass off at a considerably higher rate than EVER before, and I've bonded with my two best friends (J & W) on this level I never would've imagined for us. I feel like I do a lot more for myself. I've let some things slip for sure, but nothing I can't handle.

She's with someone new and that's good for her, but it's also good for me that I'm not with someone new. When she and I got together I was in this great place where I never imagined myself with anyone, which was why it made everything so special.

That will happen again. It will. It will when it's supposed to, and since it hasn't yet, it's not time.

I believe that things happen for a reason, and I have to believe that in this case, even though sometimes it's hard to see that reason...

...but it's not that hard, because look at how much fun I'm having!!!

Hi

2009-03-12T23:48:00.001-07:00

Whoa. It took me a long time to remember the name of this blog in order to sign in. I was tripping.

I'm insanely high (on weed).

I don't think I can concentrate enough to write this blog.

What am I feeling?
High.

I need to masturbate.

Future? Fuck you.

2009-03-11T19:27:00.000-07:00

There are a bunch of things I'm feeling an urge to discuss. I hope that I articulate myself well and that I don't get too tired to talk about it all.

First of all: my ex-girlfriend. I'm not sure if I've mentioned her, but it doesn't matter. We were together for two years and then broke up. There was no real drama, it was just over between us. 11 days after we broke up she was in a new relationship with someone and now (almost 5 months) later, she still is. It wasn't easy to deal with that, but I get stronger daily. Today she was talking to me about having a family eventually, moving away from the city she currently resides in, and her plans with her GF. I don't know, it's just not something I want to hear, but I get frustrated when it upsets me because it's been 5 months. Shouldn't I be able to handle it? Or should I stop subjecting myself to situations where I could end up hearing stuff like this, a.k.a. online chat with her? OR should she be more sensitive? I could tell her that I don't like it, but then that means that she knows that I'm still upset. Who cares if she knows that though? The truth is, I'm upset when it comes to some things, but not others, and I don't feel like I'd be able to express that. I guess I just deal with it and get stronger. I need to be living in reality and this is it. If I want to maintain a relationship with her, I will get used to these things. If I don't, then I don't have to get used to anything.

Wow. That was actually a really productive way of looking at things. I feel better.

What else? Actually, I am too tired to write, BUT I will write tomorrow about the campaign I was involved with today and how I felt about it.

H-O'ed

2009-03-08T15:13:00.001-07:00

Fuck, I just read last night's post and am feeling (1) embarrassed and (2) like I'm one of the funniest people ever. What a hysterical post?! Who ends their post saying, "now time to decide on tags"?! Haha, Tricycle Lowtops, that's who.

So, needless to say, I woke up so fucking hungover. I woke up at like 3pm, for one thing, which is funny. I also managed to break TWO glasses this morning. One I broke when I threw my pillow off my bed and hit it or something... Actually, I probably shoved it off my night table... It's hard to know. Anyway, the second one I basically elbowed off my desk, and it fell and broke. Totally ridiculous. Then I just started drinking coffee like it was my job - with a glass of water and some Tylenols, of course.

Since then I've had some cigarettes, pizza, and I'm doing laundry. I really want to clean my room before I go to sleep tonight as well. Hopefully I will do that.

Oh God, this post is senseless.

DRUNKY.

2009-03-07T23:51:00.000-08:00

Is it Sunday? Is it Saturday? Who fucking knows? All I know is that I'm hammered as shit and I'm glad that this is a (relatively) secret blog.

I just ordered a pizza. I thought it was too late for a pizza, but it turns out that it is not.

I want to watch "Superbad".

OMG.
I am hammered SO badly. I am about to turn on a movie, but just had to post to say:

I'M HAMMERED.
Now time to decide on tags.

Coffee, Cigarettes, and Pretention

2009-03-06T23:15:00.000-08:00

My favourite songs right now include: "Warwick Avenue" by Duffy, "Love Story" by Taylor Swift, "Hysteric" by Yeah Yeah Yeahs, "The Night Starts Here" by Stars, "Electric Feel (Justice Remix)" by MGMT, "Grip Like A Vice" by The Go! Team, "Lazy Eye" by Silversun Pickups, "Hold Your Secrets to Your Heart" by Miracle Fortress, and "Hometown Glory (Chewy Chocolate Cookies Remix)" by Adele.

God, my music taste is so diverse. Ick, that sounds so pretentious. Who cares?! No one knows who I am.

This is my secret blog.

Moving on...

Another jokes night is over and so I'll reflect (again... pretentious) before bed over a cigarette and some more of my eclectic music, haha!

I had a totally lazy day full of coffee & cigarettes, like all the best ones are. At 7pm I walked over to my friends' house. It was amazing to walk in such nice weather, so it was a total pleasure, compared to the hellish experience walking would have been a few weeks ago in below zero weather. Anyway, I got to their house, and then our other friend joined us with some weed she'd just bought. We got high, and then 4 of us drove a little while away to see "Watchmen".

"Watchmen" was fucking terrible. I can appreciate the creative and interesting plot, but who the fuck wrote the script?! My friend (a trusted source) says it was taken right out of the comic. Great, so it's the comic writer that was responsible for that pretentious garbage?! Oh my God - the dramatic pauses, the one-liners, the melodramatic bullshit... Thank God I was high, because I'm not sure I could've put up with some of that crap if it wasn't so goddamn trippy. I'll give the movie this - it was entertaining as hell. Even baked out of my mind I couldn't take my eyes off of the screen. Maybe it wasn't that bad. I mean, I sat through the entire 3 hours of it... but that script! My God!

Anyway, I'm gonna watch some "American Idol" before bed. I haven't been watching this season at all and I wanna catch up before the top 12.

Priorities

2009-03-05T15:50:00.000-08:00

I was at work the other night and one of my good friends (also a co-worker) was with me. We were just closing up shop for the night and I asked her if she wanted to come out with some of my friends and I. We were planning on a pre-drink, and then heading over to a favourite club. She said no, as she had a quiz the next morning, but I could tell that there was some hesitation. She then said: "What if I die tomorrow? I will think to myself, I should've just gone out and had fun." I didn't want to pressure her though, so I said, school's your main priority now, so don't put yourself down for that.

Then I started thinking about what my main priority right now is, and truthfully - it's having fun. Almost 5 months ago my girlfriend and I broke up. We had been together 2 years and although the relationship left a lot to be desired, it was extremely hard finding myself single after 2 years, especially because within 11 days of the break-up my ex was with someone new (and still is). Anyway, it was a bleak couple months of me trying to navigate single life, with a lot of fuck-ups along the way.

After the holidays though, I felt renewed and ready to make things right in my life. From that point on it has been pretty much non-stop partying. I have focused on schoolwork from time to time, but barely... However, I'm not worried about it. I might not do great in all of my courses, but I'm making memories, I'm living life, and I'm really fucking happy.

Tonight I got high on some crazy chronic with 4 of my good friends, and then we went on an adventure to a park, then walked to a grocery store, bought tonnes of food, and then went back to their place, ate the food, and watched "Planet Earth". So jokes.

Now it's 4am and time for bed... then maybe we'll do it all over again.

Midma

2009-03-04T10:07:00.000-08:00

I'll be honest - I've got a couple blogs floating around the interweb. None of them are under this name (Tricycle Lowtops), but they are out there. The thing is that I use them all for different things, but none of them are anonymous. I've always wanted an anonymous blog. I've made 1 or 2 before, but I never do anything with them. This time I will.

I'm Tricycle Lowtops and I intend to rock your world with this anonymous blog - starting with what I did last night.

MDMA.

I'm no stranger to drug use, but this was my first time venturing into a world outside weed and shrooms. That said, I've only done shrooms once, so I don't even know if I can count that. Basically I'm no stranger to weed - at all. I smoke a lot of weed on a fairly regular basis, but I'd certainly never tried MDMA. BUT my friend had a hook-up and we were going to a Steve Aoki concert, so it seemed fitting.

It was.

You hear a lot of stuff about ecstasy - that having sex on E is amazing, that when you're on it you just wanna dance and touch everyone, that being on it is to be really, really fucking happy. However, if you've never been on it, it's hard to imagine that it's really as amazing as people make it sound.

I'm here to tell you that it is.
It really fucking is.

While on MDMA I actually felt ecstastic. The second it kicked in I just HAD to get up and dance. I was totally uninhibited. I was whipping my hair around, running my hands over my body, and just feeling the music all the way to my bones. It was absolutely amazing.

No, I didn't have sex on it, but I'd like to try it again and have sex next time. Honestly, I didn't even want to have sex, but I did want to touch everyone. Touching people was the most amazing sensation. Fuck, I wish everyone could try it. It was the perfect night with the perfect venue, the perfect people, and the perfect drug.

If you've been on it before, I know you get it.