Day 1

Day 1 - COMPLETE. No texting, MSNing, or Facebooking. She's been online for a lot of the day, but I never caved. I won't today either. I promise.

**EDIT**

Fuck, this is hard, and depressing. I can't tell if I'm not tired or if I'm hoping she'll still message me tonight. FML. All I wanna do is smoke and then fall asleep. I wish I had some weed... or some hard liquor. She's obviously not gonna message me tonight though. It's deliberate, too. She used to message me almost the second I got online, and now? Nope. Not a message or a text, and she knows I'm online.

So what does it mean? What did it mean before she stopped messaging? And now that she has? What changed? Is it nothing? Is it something? What did I do? Did I fuck it up, or can you even call it that? Will she ever message if I never do?

Fuck me, what is with this? This is how it happens though. I ask a lot of questions and then eventually I stop caring to ask, and then I stop caring..... I never wanted to stop, but eventually I just do. It just happens like that.

So is it over then? Just another chapter to fade away? Did I write enough poetry about it? Fuck. When will the next real one come? Douche was real. She was legit and tangible and credible experience..... E? She's just another gal, eh? Well, fuck me. Fuck my stupid life and all these stupid straight girls..... or more than that, all these stupid unrequited crushes.....

but what would I do if she told me she liked me? Would it be like a dream come true? Or would I realize it was just lust right from the beginning and it never meant anything more than another face to picture while I masturbated? I know that sounds horrible, but is that it? I mean, fuck - I don't really love her. I know what love is now and this isn't it. It seems more like lust, or a fun way to pass the time. I love fantasies - people to dream about while I walk to work or before I fall asleep at night.

Does that mean it's not them? It's me. It's not her torturing me, it's me torturing myself?

She's not gonna message me tonight, and I'm not gonna message her.

So that's what it was the whole time? The roadtrip? The drunk texts? Just another fantasy? When she gets drunk next, will she text me? What will I say? Will I be cold and "hard to get"? I'm not hard to get. I'm easy to get. I'm an easy target because I'm not ready for a relationship yet..... otherwise I'd be in one, or at least I'd stop crushing on another maybe straight girl.

What if she does like me? Would it mean anything? What would I do then? Would it be perfect? Or would it be scary as shit because the reason I like her so much is that she's unattainable? Just a fucking fabrication. She's a real person, but she's an idea to me. Does that make me worse than her? Is she even bad?

Is she aware that I'm thinking like this? She's still online.

FUCK. SHIT. COCK. BALLS. SLUT. CUNT. SHITTY. FUCKING. MOTHERFUCKER. ASS. FAGGOTY. DYKEY. BULLSHIT. DICK. PRICK. BITCH. FUCK. PISS. ASS. CUNT. BASTARD.

Ugh. What now? Day 2?