I haven't posted in 9 days... which is weird because I was posting pretty much daily for a bit there. I think I stopped because this was becoming a blog all about E., which I never wanted. I want to be able to post about shit I wouldn't anywhere else, BUT - this is getting boring. Tricycle was getting boring. I think I'm pulling out of this slump though, which is sweet. I think I just fell into that well-known pattern of crushing on a straight girl, getting overly excited, and then (inevitably) getting overly depressed about it. I've stopped talking to her pretty much completely though, and it's getting easier each day, so I think that'll help. I mean, how many straight girls did I crush on before Douche? There were at least 4 big ones... I've had 2 since Douche, so maybe 2 more? Oh God... I don't want to be single for that long.
I saw a TOTAL cutie at a bubble tea place last night. I can't get her out of my brain. That was a good sign... although E. still found her way into my fantasies last night / today.
Speaking of which: masturbation followed by cigarettes is the best way to start a day.
Alright, enough for now!
Friday, June 19, 2009
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
Irrelevant
I fucking cracked again.........
FUCK. Stop, Tricycle!
Whatever though. Like, E's irrelevant.
Not talking about her or to her ever again.
Starting........... yeah right!
FUCK. Stop, Tricycle!
Whatever though. Like, E's irrelevant.
Not talking about her or to her ever again.
Starting........... yeah right!
Monday, June 8, 2009
trippppp
If I was choking right now, nobody could save me. I'm alone in my apartment. I'd die alone. That's scary. I wonder how red my face is. I just sneezed with (marijuana) smoke in my mouth and now my throat is raw. It hurts. Mabs I need some watah!
I'm high right now. Is that already apparent?
BRB - need watah! Stat!
Got some water, and some popcorn. Unreal.
Shit, I forgot about this. Throat doesn't hurt at all anymore. Unreal.
So E... never really followed up on that... yeah, so I cracked on Thursday and messaged her. The conversation was brutal - one-word answers and shit. Rough. Then I tried her Friday again. Also rough. Then Friday my friend's like, "E texted me, she's hammered, call her" and so I didn't call, but I texted, but I accidentally hit dial, I think... then I click hang-up and text instead... This is confusing me... I'm high, so that's rough... Anyway, so I text and she calls me and is like, "Did you call me?" and I'm like "No" so she's like "okay, bye!" and I'm like, "uhhh okay, bye!" It was awkward. Then we texted for a bit longer, and then she said she was going to sleep. The texts were dumb though, cuz we were like both drunk. Anyway, Saturday and SUnday I didn't msg/text/Facebook/etc. THen today I don't msg either because I'm trying not to and she messages me, and it was so weird and rough and strange... I just don't get it. Why does she talk to me anymore? And why, when she does, is it so different?
I'm tripping!
I'm high right now. Is that already apparent?
BRB - need watah! Stat!
Got some water, and some popcorn. Unreal.
Shit, I forgot about this. Throat doesn't hurt at all anymore. Unreal.
So E... never really followed up on that... yeah, so I cracked on Thursday and messaged her. The conversation was brutal - one-word answers and shit. Rough. Then I tried her Friday again. Also rough. Then Friday my friend's like, "E texted me, she's hammered, call her" and so I didn't call, but I texted, but I accidentally hit dial, I think... then I click hang-up and text instead... This is confusing me... I'm high, so that's rough... Anyway, so I text and she calls me and is like, "Did you call me?" and I'm like "No" so she's like "okay, bye!" and I'm like, "uhhh okay, bye!" It was awkward. Then we texted for a bit longer, and then she said she was going to sleep. The texts were dumb though, cuz we were like both drunk. Anyway, Saturday and SUnday I didn't msg/text/Facebook/etc. THen today I don't msg either because I'm trying not to and she messages me, and it was so weird and rough and strange... I just don't get it. Why does she talk to me anymore? And why, when she does, is it so different?
I'm tripping!
Thursday, June 4, 2009
Day 4
I just got home. It's 3am. She came online a little while ago. I was close, but I didn't crack... She's offline now. Fuck. So this is how it is? We just don't talk anymore? I know 4 days (or really 3) is nothing, but like, it used to be every day... there used to be drunk texts... fuck me. Ugh.
In good news! Season 3 of "Life of Ryan" is on YouTube.
Shit, she's back on again. Is she ever gonna message?
I just @'d her. That's cheating. I might delete it.
Edit
It's 6:22pm. I'm at work. I did end up deleting that @. Ugh. I'm tempted right now. What would the harm be if I messaged? I've gone 3 days... I mean, I know I can do it... but what would the good be if I messaged? I mean, I'd be better off NOT messaging, but... what if she never messages me again? It's just over? It's just... over?
Fuck... I need to talk myself out of this, right? But if we never talk again, doesn't that say that something IS up? Fuck.
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
What if I message and we have a terrible convo? Ugh.
What if I message and she's like "G2G" right away? Ugh.
What if I message and it's back to normal?
OMG I shouldn't... I shouldn't... I'll be stronger if I don't, but I hate that she might never ever message me again... but if she doesn't, then that's fate... but if I message her, that's fate too... Actually, the fact that I'm questioning this so much means that I probably SHOULD NOT message her... AHHHHHHH!!!
Edit.
I cracked.
In good news! Season 3 of "Life of Ryan" is on YouTube.
Shit, she's back on again. Is she ever gonna message?
I just @'d her. That's cheating. I might delete it.
Edit
It's 6:22pm. I'm at work. I did end up deleting that @. Ugh. I'm tempted right now. What would the harm be if I messaged? I've gone 3 days... I mean, I know I can do it... but what would the good be if I messaged? I mean, I'd be better off NOT messaging, but... what if she never messages me again? It's just over? It's just... over?
Fuck... I need to talk myself out of this, right? But if we never talk again, doesn't that say that something IS up? Fuck.
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
What if I message and we have a terrible convo? Ugh.
What if I message and she's like "G2G" right away? Ugh.
What if I message and it's back to normal?
OMG I shouldn't... I shouldn't... I'll be stronger if I don't, but I hate that she might never ever message me again... but if she doesn't, then that's fate... but if I message her, that's fate too... Actually, the fact that I'm questioning this so much means that I probably SHOULD NOT message her... AHHHHHHH!!!
Edit.
I cracked.
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
Day 3
Ew. My table (where my computer is) is really sticky and dirty. I should scrub it tonight. I just showered and now my arms feel sticky and gross. ICK!
I love my mornings. I sat on the balcony for like 20 minutes this morning just smoking, drinking coffee, and listening to my new iPod. I could do it forever. That's why I always wish I would wake up a little earlier, so I can maximize morning time... but it's kinda hard to when I go to bed at 3am.
You know what? This summer is SO much better without my dumbass ex-girlfriend, Madam Douchebag. Sure I had sex whenever I wanted it, and I had nightly plans... but I've pretty much got nightly plans now, and they're better ones. They don't consist of Douche playing around on Facebook while I played Tony Hawk Underground on her GameCube. God, it was SO obvious that we were falling apart. I can't believe I didn't see it then!
Moving on...
It's Day 3. No cracking yet - on either side. I told Moo last night and she's like, fuck it! It's not worth it, she's not worth it... she's just not that into you. She must be right... but that being said, is it possible that she's waiting for me? Doubtful. My boss says that she thinks E. likes the attention when she's feeling unconfident or insecure, but when she's feeling good she feels no need to talk to me. It's sad, but a really legit theory, and honestly? I'm caring a lot less. I mean, who is E anyway? Like, she's been in my life for a little over 2 months now, but my life isn't better or worse because of her. It's just another distraction... another thing to fantasize about and obsess over until someone else comes along, or until I maybe get involved with something real.
One can only hope.....
**EDIT 1 - 2:30pm**
Back at work... I love work. I love having things to keep me busy.
She's online. Do you think she'll ever crack?
**EDIT 2 - 8:24pm**
She's been online all day. No cracking from either side. I'm so tired. No energy. I wanted to do laundry tonight, but I just don't see myself having the energy to do so. That being said, I dread the idea of sitting waiting for myself and her to not message each other, because that's what'll happen, isn't it? I mean, there's been no communication since Sunday, and even then, the communication between us since the roadtrip has been totally different. What the fuck is it? What the fuck has changed? Why does she not wanna talk anymore? She had her fill? She got turned off?
...or is it positive? Does she like me? Does she want me to initiate?
I can't. If she was interested, she would.
...or would she? I mean, why must I rely on her?
FML.
I love my mornings. I sat on the balcony for like 20 minutes this morning just smoking, drinking coffee, and listening to my new iPod. I could do it forever. That's why I always wish I would wake up a little earlier, so I can maximize morning time... but it's kinda hard to when I go to bed at 3am.
You know what? This summer is SO much better without my dumbass ex-girlfriend, Madam Douchebag. Sure I had sex whenever I wanted it, and I had nightly plans... but I've pretty much got nightly plans now, and they're better ones. They don't consist of Douche playing around on Facebook while I played Tony Hawk Underground on her GameCube. God, it was SO obvious that we were falling apart. I can't believe I didn't see it then!
Moving on...
It's Day 3. No cracking yet - on either side. I told Moo last night and she's like, fuck it! It's not worth it, she's not worth it... she's just not that into you. She must be right... but that being said, is it possible that she's waiting for me? Doubtful. My boss says that she thinks E. likes the attention when she's feeling unconfident or insecure, but when she's feeling good she feels no need to talk to me. It's sad, but a really legit theory, and honestly? I'm caring a lot less. I mean, who is E anyway? Like, she's been in my life for a little over 2 months now, but my life isn't better or worse because of her. It's just another distraction... another thing to fantasize about and obsess over until someone else comes along, or until I maybe get involved with something real.
One can only hope.....
**EDIT 1 - 2:30pm**
Back at work... I love work. I love having things to keep me busy.
She's online. Do you think she'll ever crack?
**EDIT 2 - 8:24pm**
She's been online all day. No cracking from either side. I'm so tired. No energy. I wanted to do laundry tonight, but I just don't see myself having the energy to do so. That being said, I dread the idea of sitting waiting for myself and her to not message each other, because that's what'll happen, isn't it? I mean, there's been no communication since Sunday, and even then, the communication between us since the roadtrip has been totally different. What the fuck is it? What the fuck has changed? Why does she not wanna talk anymore? She had her fill? She got turned off?
...or is it positive? Does she like me? Does she want me to initiate?
I can't. If she was interested, she would.
...or would she? I mean, why must I rely on her?
FML.
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
Day 2
Day 2 has begun. I've got about 45 minutes until I leave for work, so it's still relatively early in the day, but, as always, it will be a challenge. I wonder how long it's gonna take. I wonder if it's gonna be as straightforward as just making it through each day without caving. I wonder if she's gonna message me. I wonder if it's gonna be complicated and if something new will throw me off... something like her drunk texting me again... something like her taking my "hard to get"ness and running with it, like her chasing me instead... Whatever happens, eventually there's gonna be some kind of "solution"... some kind of "Oh okay, so this is how it is". There's always one of those moments.
Additionally, I'm having some anxieties about money. I think it's about time I go to the bank and work out some kind of plan or get some kind of advice. I'm 22 now and eventually I'm gonna look into things like a car (once I get my license) or a house or something, and I imagine my credit right now is kind of shit, but there's gotta be some kind of solution, so I should try and find it.
I'm going on a big trip for almost all of July. I'm gonna make a promise to myself RIGHT NOW that I will meet with someone at the bank before June 26th.
I will meet with someone at the bank about my finances before June 26th.
I don't want to have this anxiety on my trip, so I promise I will sort this out beforehand.
I may have screwed myself a bit, but I can't be in that bad shape... or if I am, there's a solution.
**EDIT... a couple hours later**
I'm at work. She's online. The true Day 2 battle has begun.
**EDIT 2**
She's on Facebook Chat, but not MSN. Have I been blocked?
**EDIT 3**
She's back on MSN. Still no messaging. Rough times.
**EDIT 4**
Fuuuucccckkkk. She's on Facebook Chat, but not MSN again. I'm wondering if it's a legit block. Needless to say, not pleased.
Additionally, I'm having some anxieties about money. I think it's about time I go to the bank and work out some kind of plan or get some kind of advice. I'm 22 now and eventually I'm gonna look into things like a car (once I get my license) or a house or something, and I imagine my credit right now is kind of shit, but there's gotta be some kind of solution, so I should try and find it.
I'm going on a big trip for almost all of July. I'm gonna make a promise to myself RIGHT NOW that I will meet with someone at the bank before June 26th.
I will meet with someone at the bank about my finances before June 26th.
I don't want to have this anxiety on my trip, so I promise I will sort this out beforehand.
I may have screwed myself a bit, but I can't be in that bad shape... or if I am, there's a solution.
**EDIT... a couple hours later**
I'm at work. She's online. The true Day 2 battle has begun.
**EDIT 2**
She's on Facebook Chat, but not MSN. Have I been blocked?
**EDIT 3**
She's back on MSN. Still no messaging. Rough times.
**EDIT 4**
Fuuuucccckkkk. She's on Facebook Chat, but not MSN again. I'm wondering if it's a legit block. Needless to say, not pleased.
Monday, June 1, 2009
Day 1
Day 1 - COMPLETE. No texting, MSNing, or Facebooking. She's been online for a lot of the day, but I never caved. I won't today either. I promise.
**EDIT**
Fuck, this is hard, and depressing. I can't tell if I'm not tired or if I'm hoping she'll still message me tonight. FML. All I wanna do is smoke and then fall asleep. I wish I had some weed... or some hard liquor. She's obviously not gonna message me tonight though. It's deliberate, too. She used to message me almost the second I got online, and now? Nope. Not a message or a text, and she knows I'm online.
So what does it mean? What did it mean before she stopped messaging? And now that she has? What changed? Is it nothing? Is it something? What did I do? Did I fuck it up, or can you even call it that? Will she ever message if I never do?
Fuck me, what is with this? This is how it happens though. I ask a lot of questions and then eventually I stop caring to ask, and then I stop caring..... I never wanted to stop, but eventually I just do. It just happens like that.
So is it over then? Just another chapter to fade away? Did I write enough poetry about it? Fuck. When will the next real one come? Douche was real. She was legit and tangible and credible experience..... E? She's just another gal, eh? Well, fuck me. Fuck my stupid life and all these stupid straight girls..... or more than that, all these stupid unrequited crushes.....
but what would I do if she told me she liked me? Would it be like a dream come true? Or would I realize it was just lust right from the beginning and it never meant anything more than another face to picture while I masturbated? I know that sounds horrible, but is that it? I mean, fuck - I don't really love her. I know what love is now and this isn't it. It seems more like lust, or a fun way to pass the time. I love fantasies - people to dream about while I walk to work or before I fall asleep at night.
Does that mean it's not them? It's me. It's not her torturing me, it's me torturing myself?
She's not gonna message me tonight, and I'm not gonna message her.
So that's what it was the whole time? The roadtrip? The drunk texts? Just another fantasy? When she gets drunk next, will she text me? What will I say? Will I be cold and "hard to get"? I'm not hard to get. I'm easy to get. I'm an easy target because I'm not ready for a relationship yet..... otherwise I'd be in one, or at least I'd stop crushing on another maybe straight girl.
What if she does like me? Would it mean anything? What would I do then? Would it be perfect? Or would it be scary as shit because the reason I like her so much is that she's unattainable? Just a fucking fabrication. She's a real person, but she's an idea to me. Does that make me worse than her? Is she even bad?
Is she aware that I'm thinking like this? She's still online.
FUCK. SHIT. COCK. BALLS. SLUT. CUNT. SHITTY. FUCKING. MOTHERFUCKER. ASS. FAGGOTY. DYKEY. BULLSHIT. DICK. PRICK. BITCH. FUCK. PISS. ASS. CUNT. BASTARD.
Ugh. What now? Day 2?
**EDIT**
Fuck, this is hard, and depressing. I can't tell if I'm not tired or if I'm hoping she'll still message me tonight. FML. All I wanna do is smoke and then fall asleep. I wish I had some weed... or some hard liquor. She's obviously not gonna message me tonight though. It's deliberate, too. She used to message me almost the second I got online, and now? Nope. Not a message or a text, and she knows I'm online.
So what does it mean? What did it mean before she stopped messaging? And now that she has? What changed? Is it nothing? Is it something? What did I do? Did I fuck it up, or can you even call it that? Will she ever message if I never do?
Fuck me, what is with this? This is how it happens though. I ask a lot of questions and then eventually I stop caring to ask, and then I stop caring..... I never wanted to stop, but eventually I just do. It just happens like that.
So is it over then? Just another chapter to fade away? Did I write enough poetry about it? Fuck. When will the next real one come? Douche was real. She was legit and tangible and credible experience..... E? She's just another gal, eh? Well, fuck me. Fuck my stupid life and all these stupid straight girls..... or more than that, all these stupid unrequited crushes.....
but what would I do if she told me she liked me? Would it be like a dream come true? Or would I realize it was just lust right from the beginning and it never meant anything more than another face to picture while I masturbated? I know that sounds horrible, but is that it? I mean, fuck - I don't really love her. I know what love is now and this isn't it. It seems more like lust, or a fun way to pass the time. I love fantasies - people to dream about while I walk to work or before I fall asleep at night.
Does that mean it's not them? It's me. It's not her torturing me, it's me torturing myself?
She's not gonna message me tonight, and I'm not gonna message her.
So that's what it was the whole time? The roadtrip? The drunk texts? Just another fantasy? When she gets drunk next, will she text me? What will I say? Will I be cold and "hard to get"? I'm not hard to get. I'm easy to get. I'm an easy target because I'm not ready for a relationship yet..... otherwise I'd be in one, or at least I'd stop crushing on another maybe straight girl.
What if she does like me? Would it mean anything? What would I do then? Would it be perfect? Or would it be scary as shit because the reason I like her so much is that she's unattainable? Just a fucking fabrication. She's a real person, but she's an idea to me. Does that make me worse than her? Is she even bad?
Is she aware that I'm thinking like this? She's still online.
FUCK. SHIT. COCK. BALLS. SLUT. CUNT. SHITTY. FUCKING. MOTHERFUCKER. ASS. FAGGOTY. DYKEY. BULLSHIT. DICK. PRICK. BITCH. FUCK. PISS. ASS. CUNT. BASTARD.
Ugh. What now? Day 2?
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