THE BEAST

God, I have some serious back pain right now… or maybe it’s more in the shoulders / neck. Wherever it is, it’s fucking killing me. I have some friends coming over tonight – maybe I can convince one of them to give me a little rub-down. I wish it was E., haha, but she probably wouldn’t do it. I gave her a few massages in BC – the kind of massages where you straddle the person when they’re lying on their stomach. Needless to say it was pretty hot. She gave me one or two as well, but they were totally half-assed, the selfish little bitch. Not that I cared, really, because it was great having her straddling my back with her legs regardless of what she was doing with her hands.

Fuck. That may have been the dirtiest and perv-iest paragraph I’ve written in this blog yet. I’m proud of it because the whole point of this blog was to be able to say the things I can’t anywhere else… in some ways I have been doing that, but in other ways I’ve just been writing about the same bullshit that I write about everywhere else… that I talk about… that I cry about…

I had a few mini-cries last night. I was so goddamned depressed and it kinda came out of nowhere. I’m on my period though, so I’m just gonna chock it up to PMS, hormones, and all that other unfair bullshit. Speaking of my period, sometimes menstrual blood is so distinctly red. I mean, sometimes it’s brown, and sometimes it’s close to black… other times it’s more like crimson, but then sometimes it’s perfectly red, like Crayola red. It’s amazing that nature comes in colours like that. Like the sky today – so perfectly blue…

I’m loving this entry so far. So random and inspired.

Last night I was depressed, like I said. My roommate is moved out (NOT why I’m depressed) and she disconnected the Internet before leaving, because it was in her Dad’s name. Legit move, I’m not mad, BUT it’s fucking annoying not to have decent wireless. I’ve been stealing signals, but none of them are reliable, and even when they work it’s so slow. I guess I should get hooked up with some wireless of my own, but it would mean buying a router and paying a monthly bill and I feel like I just can’t be bothered to add another expense to my life when I’m already drowning in my current ones… That being said, it really is depressing not to have Internet. I want to be able to watch YouTube videos until my heart is content, but I can’t do that when they take an hour to fully load. So what do I do, suck it up and enjoy the wonderfully quick Internet at work and then take up reading? Or, do I suck it up in the other sense and get some Internet at my apartment? Conundrum… I think we both know what I need to do though. I need to get myself linked up!

UPDATE: I’m currently involved in a live chat with some representative from Bell, haha!

Ooh! I just cleaned out my student email inbox and went from 88% content to 47%. That felt good, and it was a little therapeutic, too. Four years of school and one more to go… Did I mention I passed Latin? For that matter, did I mention I was taking Latin? Well, I did, and I was. I was really destined to fail, but somehow I managed to JUST pass with a D-. I don’t care AT ALL about the low mark because it’s a pass, and it means that I never have to take Latin again, so who cares?! Additionally, the first time I took the course (that’s right, I failed it once before, and almost failed again) was when my ex and I were first dating, and then the second time I took it (most recently) was when my ex and I broke up, so if I had failed again? I would have been fucking pissed at myself. It’s like my ex was still reaching into my life and fucking it up… when in reality it was me making bad (although, that’s debatable) choices. What happens in my life is not the results of others’ actions, but only my own. Really, I believe that’s true.

For example, this Latin situation with the ex (we’ll call her… Douche): the first time I failed was not her fault. I was head-over-heels in love and I chose to spend my time with my girlfriend rather than conjugating verbs and declining nouns. For the record: no regrets. The second time I took it I was recently single and wanted to party away the sadness and make a new life for myself. In doing that I neglected a lot of scholastic responsibilities, but near the end of the term I realized, “shit, I don’t wanna fail”, so I got my stuff together and redeemed myself; not a lot, but enough to pass all of my courses, which is a goddamn miracle. Anyway, what I mean is that it’s not Douche’s fault in either case. I make decisions based on the things that I experience and then take action, so I control my destiny in a way, although I still believe in fate… but I think fate plays a part in all of the decisions I make, kinda like I’m pre-programmed BUT I still feel like I have free will maybe… Whoa, philosophical, eh? Anyway, moral of the story is that my ex actually IS a douche.

Actually, speaking of Douche, I’ve been thinking about her lately… Not that it’s strange to think about her; because truthfully what I’m thinking about is the void she left in terms of me not having a girlfriend. That’s what I really want, but Douche is all that there’s ever been, so naturally it’s her I think of. Anyway, sometimes we talk on Gmail Chat. It used to be her messaging me all the time, but the past couple days I’ve messaged her… I wonder: if I never messaged her would she be content to never speak again? I mean, she made a totally new life for herself when we broke up. She lives in a new city, she has a new job, she has new friends, and of course – she has a new girlfriend AND lives with said girlfriend. It’s not as though my life is exactly the same minus her. It’s just that I live in the same city, go to the same school, and (mostly) hang out with the same people. However, in a lot of ways I am not the same person. I’ve done a lot of things since we broke up that have changed me, and that I wouldn’t have done while with Douche. Deep down I know every single moment that it was the right thing, but I still wish my heart had someone to feel those deep, intense feelings for like it did with her. No doubt that it will again, but when?

Wow… this entry is unreal. I’m not stopping yet!

When I came back from my road trip my roommate emailed me saying there was no food at the apartment, so I might have to live off of expired milk and cereal for a few days. When I got to the apartment I saw that there were four untouched chicken breasts, fresh strawberries, and a whole bunch of other delicious treats. I don’t get her relationship with food. She buys great food, but is too lazy to prepare it, or even just straight-up eat it. I mean like strawberries! They’re ready to eat! C’mon, eat ‘em! Oh well, I’m glad I got to enjoy them anyway, but seriously – she has an issue with food. She thinks that mashed potatoes are too flavourful. Is she crazy?! Mashed potatoes don’t get less flavourful. Don’t get me wrong – I love mashed potatoes, but flavourful?!? Anyway, I’m obviously starting to babble. I need to either come up with some more stuff to write about, or quit while I’m (kinda) ahead.

I just remembered this time I was heading home from school on the subway and the train broke down or something a pretty long way from my house. I called my Mom from a payphone to try and get a ride, but (legitimately) she said “no”. She probably refused because the traffic would’ve been a bitch, but what I remember best is me saying on the phone, “I’m not shitting you Mom, I really need a way to get home”, or something along those lines. I remember her gasping in shock – I don’t talk to my Mom that way normally. I wonder why this memory resurfaced… Anyway, I walked all the way home, which was about 45 minutes, and of course it was the day my iPod ran out of batteries and when I was wearing my least supportive shoes… Strange memory.

Whoa, I’m starting to get tired. I’ve been writing this entry for a while now, off and on, and it’s now 3pm, a.k.a. almost the end of the workday. After work I’m going to the grocery store to get a few things, and then having a few friends over for a night in!

Anyway, that’s all for now! Literally, it’s time to end this post.

It’s been a goodie!