dead horse

I know I'm a broken record, but I don't care. I'm thinking about E. She's making me crazy because I'm still crushing, but she's also really getting under my skin... drunk texts, mixed signals, etc. at a constant, but then tonnes of coldness and passive aggression when we talk online. In person she's shy and quiet, but then online she's a mixture of a flirt, my new best friend, and my worst enemy. It's driving me INSANE.

Moo said today that E's a dead-end, and I might as well agree. No more texting, MSNing, or Facebooking anymore, unless she initiates, but even then - perhaps some coldness and "hard-to-get"ness from my end wouldn't be such a bad idea.

Ugh. This is obviously never happening.

Mad Fools

Oh God...

This hangover is more than just physical.

It's mental. Emotional. Psychological. Suicidal.

Ok, that's a little dramatic, but I acted. a. fool. last night. Seriously. I don't even want to recount every moment (because snippets have been coming back to me all morning, and I can't bear to type them out), but let's just say that it was rough. Personal low maybe? Yeahhh personal low.

Ugh. Ugh.

I will add more to this entry in a bit. Time for work soon.

I wanna die.

Twenee Too

Happy Birthday to MEEEEEE!

Tricycle is 22 and my birthday present to myself is going to be that I can post as many times as I want today. YAY!

Who was the first person to text me a birthday greeting? E.

Swooooooooooon.

I veen!

Ughhhhh... She's online but hasn't messaged me. I will not under any circumstances message her. I drunk-texted her last night. I don't regret it, but I also deleted my inbox and outbox so I have NO idea what I said. I'm sure I'd remember if it was bad, so I'm not worried, but still...

I'm frustrated with the changes our friendship has gone through.

That's a lie. I'm frustrated because it's seeming less likely that anything NON-friendly will ever happen. I mean, let's be honest here. Truthfully, there was never any chances of that anyway though, it seems, so...

Oh, she messaged me. Ha. FML.

@'d

Mmmm..... I have some chicken and baby corn simmering in a sauce I made up on my own. It's a mixture of ranch dressing, Teriyaki sauce, and a whole bunch of different spices I just threw in. Ooh! And there's also lemon and lemon pepper. Yummy! I have a feeling it's gonna be absolutely delish!!! I'll let you know how it turns out. It's time to eat!


It was delicious (4-5 hours later). It was tangy and sweet and perfectly delectable! Now I'm having dessert - two pieces of toast covered in sugar, cinnamon, and icing sugar, haha!

E just @'d me on Twitter, if you know what that means, haha... that is, if anyone even reads this blog. Anyway, that doesn't matter. So, the last I'd heard from her was last night - another (maybe drunk) text. We'd been talking all day on MSN (initiated by me) and then she left rather abruptly, but it wasn't a big deal. I got into bed and was watching a movie ("Juno" - E's favourite. Coincidence?) when my phone vibrated with a text from her. She apologized for her quick leave from MSN. SO. F'IN. CUTE. Like, she does all the things I've always wanted from a crush, but that doesn't mean she's crushing back... It just means she's cute and sweet and will continue to torture me with her cuteness and sweetness until I no longer consider her cute and sweet.

Anyway, the texting left off with a boring one from me, and then I fell asleep. No word from her today. She's been on MSN for a few hours, but I've stayed strong. Then I see this @tricycle on Twitter (except my name on Twitter isn't tricycle, so don't look).

I'm obsessed, but at least she's not dropping me like dirty laundry.

Maybe she'll message me at some point or @ me again. I'll keep this entry going until then.

It's 10:57pm.

It's 12:26 now. She @'d me again, so I messaged her. We've been chatting since.

HML.

The Duel

E's online. I just got home. I'm baked. I thought I might be getting drunk texts from her tonight, but she's just online. I haven't messaged her, but I really really want her to message me, so instead of driving myself crazy waiting, I thought I'd write about waiting and make it easier on myself.

Does that make sense? Maybe not because I'm H. I'm like really H. High, I mean, but also horny. OMG she messaged!!! YAY! I won! LOL.

Whoa, I don't usually write like this, but I like it... It's very high, haha! Ahahahahaha unreal. Really happy with the fact that I waited it out, hahahah.

Whoa. SO H.

THE BEAST

God, I have some serious back pain right now… or maybe it’s more in the shoulders / neck. Wherever it is, it’s fucking killing me. I have some friends coming over tonight – maybe I can convince one of them to give me a little rub-down. I wish it was E., haha, but she probably wouldn’t do it. I gave her a few massages in BC – the kind of massages where you straddle the person when they’re lying on their stomach. Needless to say it was pretty hot. She gave me one or two as well, but they were totally half-assed, the selfish little bitch. Not that I cared, really, because it was great having her straddling my back with her legs regardless of what she was doing with her hands.

Fuck. That may have been the dirtiest and perv-iest paragraph I’ve written in this blog yet. I’m proud of it because the whole point of this blog was to be able to say the things I can’t anywhere else… in some ways I have been doing that, but in other ways I’ve just been writing about the same bullshit that I write about everywhere else… that I talk about… that I cry about…

I had a few mini-cries last night. I was so goddamned depressed and it kinda came out of nowhere. I’m on my period though, so I’m just gonna chock it up to PMS, hormones, and all that other unfair bullshit. Speaking of my period, sometimes menstrual blood is so distinctly red. I mean, sometimes it’s brown, and sometimes it’s close to black… other times it’s more like crimson, but then sometimes it’s perfectly red, like Crayola red. It’s amazing that nature comes in colours like that. Like the sky today – so perfectly blue…

I’m loving this entry so far. So random and inspired.

Last night I was depressed, like I said. My roommate is moved out (NOT why I’m depressed) and she disconnected the Internet before leaving, because it was in her Dad’s name. Legit move, I’m not mad, BUT it’s fucking annoying not to have decent wireless. I’ve been stealing signals, but none of them are reliable, and even when they work it’s so slow. I guess I should get hooked up with some wireless of my own, but it would mean buying a router and paying a monthly bill and I feel like I just can’t be bothered to add another expense to my life when I’m already drowning in my current ones… That being said, it really is depressing not to have Internet. I want to be able to watch YouTube videos until my heart is content, but I can’t do that when they take an hour to fully load. So what do I do, suck it up and enjoy the wonderfully quick Internet at work and then take up reading? Or, do I suck it up in the other sense and get some Internet at my apartment? Conundrum… I think we both know what I need to do though. I need to get myself linked up!

UPDATE: I’m currently involved in a live chat with some representative from Bell, haha!

Ooh! I just cleaned out my student email inbox and went from 88% content to 47%. That felt good, and it was a little therapeutic, too. Four years of school and one more to go… Did I mention I passed Latin? For that matter, did I mention I was taking Latin? Well, I did, and I was. I was really destined to fail, but somehow I managed to JUST pass with a D-. I don’t care AT ALL about the low mark because it’s a pass, and it means that I never have to take Latin again, so who cares?! Additionally, the first time I took the course (that’s right, I failed it once before, and almost failed again) was when my ex and I were first dating, and then the second time I took it (most recently) was when my ex and I broke up, so if I had failed again? I would have been fucking pissed at myself. It’s like my ex was still reaching into my life and fucking it up… when in reality it was me making bad (although, that’s debatable) choices. What happens in my life is not the results of others’ actions, but only my own. Really, I believe that’s true.

For example, this Latin situation with the ex (we’ll call her… Douche): the first time I failed was not her fault. I was head-over-heels in love and I chose to spend my time with my girlfriend rather than conjugating verbs and declining nouns. For the record: no regrets. The second time I took it I was recently single and wanted to party away the sadness and make a new life for myself. In doing that I neglected a lot of scholastic responsibilities, but near the end of the term I realized, “shit, I don’t wanna fail”, so I got my stuff together and redeemed myself; not a lot, but enough to pass all of my courses, which is a goddamn miracle. Anyway, what I mean is that it’s not Douche’s fault in either case. I make decisions based on the things that I experience and then take action, so I control my destiny in a way, although I still believe in fate… but I think fate plays a part in all of the decisions I make, kinda like I’m pre-programmed BUT I still feel like I have free will maybe… Whoa, philosophical, eh? Anyway, moral of the story is that my ex actually IS a douche.

Actually, speaking of Douche, I’ve been thinking about her lately… Not that it’s strange to think about her; because truthfully what I’m thinking about is the void she left in terms of me not having a girlfriend. That’s what I really want, but Douche is all that there’s ever been, so naturally it’s her I think of. Anyway, sometimes we talk on Gmail Chat. It used to be her messaging me all the time, but the past couple days I’ve messaged her… I wonder: if I never messaged her would she be content to never speak again? I mean, she made a totally new life for herself when we broke up. She lives in a new city, she has a new job, she has new friends, and of course – she has a new girlfriend AND lives with said girlfriend. It’s not as though my life is exactly the same minus her. It’s just that I live in the same city, go to the same school, and (mostly) hang out with the same people. However, in a lot of ways I am not the same person. I’ve done a lot of things since we broke up that have changed me, and that I wouldn’t have done while with Douche. Deep down I know every single moment that it was the right thing, but I still wish my heart had someone to feel those deep, intense feelings for like it did with her. No doubt that it will again, but when?

Wow… this entry is unreal. I’m not stopping yet!

When I came back from my road trip my roommate emailed me saying there was no food at the apartment, so I might have to live off of expired milk and cereal for a few days. When I got to the apartment I saw that there were four untouched chicken breasts, fresh strawberries, and a whole bunch of other delicious treats. I don’t get her relationship with food. She buys great food, but is too lazy to prepare it, or even just straight-up eat it. I mean like strawberries! They’re ready to eat! C’mon, eat ‘em! Oh well, I’m glad I got to enjoy them anyway, but seriously – she has an issue with food. She thinks that mashed potatoes are too flavourful. Is she crazy?! Mashed potatoes don’t get less flavourful. Don’t get me wrong – I love mashed potatoes, but flavourful?!? Anyway, I’m obviously starting to babble. I need to either come up with some more stuff to write about, or quit while I’m (kinda) ahead.

I just remembered this time I was heading home from school on the subway and the train broke down or something a pretty long way from my house. I called my Mom from a payphone to try and get a ride, but (legitimately) she said “no”. She probably refused because the traffic would’ve been a bitch, but what I remember best is me saying on the phone, “I’m not shitting you Mom, I really need a way to get home”, or something along those lines. I remember her gasping in shock – I don’t talk to my Mom that way normally. I wonder why this memory resurfaced… Anyway, I walked all the way home, which was about 45 minutes, and of course it was the day my iPod ran out of batteries and when I was wearing my least supportive shoes… Strange memory.

Whoa, I’m starting to get tired. I’ve been writing this entry for a while now, off and on, and it’s now 3pm, a.k.a. almost the end of the workday. After work I’m going to the grocery store to get a few things, and then having a few friends over for a night in!

Anyway, that’s all for now! Literally, it’s time to end this post.

It’s been a goodie!

She stole my heart and my cat!

Bahhhh. Not like a sheep, but like a frustrated Tricycle.

She's not talking to me like she used to, and I don't think it's in my head.

Then again, who fucking cares?! She's been in my life for less than 2 months and I mean, she's cute and great, but I have greater friends... It's just a fucking crush. It always seems like my whole world at the time, but it's not.

Even my financial situation. It's looking pretty bleak and it makes me anxious, but it's fix-able. It might take some more saving, discipline, cutting down on the partying... but regardless, I can fix it. I need to stop being anxious and just hiding my head under the sand, and instead be PROACTIVE. It doesn't mean I have to go beg my parents or declare bankruptcy, because it's not like that. It's just about making smart decisions. I'd really like to have my shit paid off by next April... even before, but I have to be realistic. I wanna graduate debt free. The sad thing is that I don't even have student debt. I suppose it's more like STUPID debt. Hahah... but not actually that funny.

A while later...

We're talking now... she seems more like she used to, but I am over-thinking it. My friend Jelly (hahah... Jelly) told me E. has a lot on her plate, so I shouldn't worry. I'll try that out.

P.S. I had this crush in high school... we'll call her Monster, because she was one. Anyway, eventually Monster and I broke up, and not in the sense that we were dating, but we did the whole "we can't be friends" thang. So when we "broke up" I used to always write about her in my diaries and stuff, but I'd never refer to her as Monster, but always just as "she" or "her". I became fascinated with the pronoun. I couldn't even say her fucking name.

Now I'm doing that with E. I don't mean in this blog, because I'm calling her E. for the sake of my privacy... and her's as well, I suppose. But just generally... and in my diary maybe... it concerns me, and fascinates me. It also suggests that NOTHING will happen here. She's an idea, not a reality. I mean, at least for me... which is sad for her, but not really. More so for me.

We're having a good conversation though, so I'm not gonna let it bother me.

I'm a douchebag, basically.

Sheeeeeeeeeet.

I know this feeling. She logged on MSN (like, just... logged on... little window popped up with her name) and I got a flutter + anxiety. Then I opened a chat window and haven't messaged her, it's just sitting at the bottom of the screen.

Seriously? I'm here again? This is Lame (with a capital "L"). Ugh. So what now? I wait and see if she messages and if she doesn't then I do? Or if neither of us message, I... ? What then? God this is dumb. NO. I haven't been thinking about her today. I've been keeping busy with things at work. She and I are friends. I don't have to worry, stress, or get anxious about it.

That being said, it worries me that I'm at a point where I need to say things like: "She and I are friends."

...

She doesn't message me anymore though. Okay, that's dramatic, but kinda true. Well... okay no, mostly dramatic. Anyway, pretty much for 3-4 weeks there she messaged me EVERY TIME I WAS ONLINE. Now she hasn't... for 2 days...

Fuck, I'm pathetic. Thank God for this secret blog.
Ick. I'm kinda embarrassed for myself.
I just want her to message me.
Ugh. FML.

And just as soon as the words left her lips... she decided to move on.

So I talked to another friend about E tonight; a friend that knows E better than Moo. In fact, this friend, I'll call her Jelly, seems to know ME better than Moo does, despite the fact that Moo has known me for like 4 years and Jelly has known me for a few months... these fake names are ridiculous. ANYWAY, so I tell Jelly that I have a crush on someone and she already knows it's E. I'm kinda dumbfounded, but at the same time Jelly totally comes across as someone who is really perceptive. Regardless, I ask her how she knows. She tells me it's by the way I look at E... the look in my eyes... she can tell that for me E is the only one in the room...

Seriously?! From my eyes?! Wow... I'm not gonna think of it as me being obvious, because I think it's more that Jelly is UNBELIEVABLY perceptive. Impressive, eh?

Anyway... Jelly also tells me that E knows I like her... or at least she knew at one point in time. Somebody told her and she didn't care at all. Well that's good, I guess. I mean, it'd be great if she cared in the way I wanted her to, but we can't all have what we want. It sure makes the BC trip interesting though. I mean, she knew? Jelly says that maybe E doesn't know that the crush still exists, but still...

Anyway, according to Jelly, although she wasn't harsh in the least, the feelings aren't reciprocated. She doesn't know that for sure, and she wasn't presumptuous, but she was direct enough to make me think: maybe it's about time I move on from this little (read: big) crush. I know I was singing a different song yesterday, but I really think it's time. I got all anxious about E last night, and I've been thinking about her today, and I think I should at least get the ball rolling on moving on. It doesn't happen instantly, but we might as well get started, eh?

Okay!

Crushing news!

Wow.  I wish I could be sure that I'll write a long entry right now, because I'd say - brew yourself a pot of coffee, put on some comfy clothes, and read about my trials and tribulations, but I can't ever be sure I'll end up with something substantial.  The same thing always happens with my actual journal (you know, like a paper and pen kinda deal).  Sometimes I just wanna let it all out, but my inspiration and motivation won't take me as far as I wanna go.  If the muse isn't with you, the muse isn't with you.  (Exactly, George.)  [That was a "Six Feet Under" quote, but I'm not sure I got it completely right.]

Aaaaanyway..........

So.  I just got home to my parents' house for a weekend after the long-awaited roadtrip + 4 days in Kelowna, BC.  The roadtrip was absolutely amazing -- good times, good music, lots of laughs, and some of the most breath-taking scenery I've ever seen.

BUT that's not what I'm in the mood to chat about.  I wanna chat about my crush - E.  She came on the roadtrip with us.  I only have an hour left on my Mom's laptop (battery), but I'm gonna do my best to really break-down my experience with E from start to finish.  I think if I focus on just her that I can get it all out in one sitting, but first I have to pee.

Okay back.

Okay, E.  I met her at my best friend's birthday.  We'll call my best friend Moo.  Moo has been my best friend for 4 years, and she was celebrating her birthday at a pub.  Moo plays hockey and I try to go to a lot of the games, although this year I haven't gone to a tonne.  A bunch of Moo's hockey teammates come to the pub to celebrate with her - including E.  I notice E immediately.  She's cute, beautiful, and hot, all at once.  We all get really hammered that night, have a great time, and go home.

The next day E adds me to Facebook.  Then she messages me on Facebook chat.  Then she gives me her number.  Then a few days later we chat on Facebook and she gets me to add her to MSN.  Ever since the beginning of April we've been chatting pretty much nightly on MSN.  Like, chatting from 10pm-5am on a regular basis.  We've hung out a few times too -- once she came over to my apartment, another time we went out for beers and got high, and there's been other hang-out sessions too..... and then of course the constant chatting and texting -- all the time.  The conversations are good too -- always interesting and funny and sometimes even flirty.

Anyway, so when Moo and I decided to do this roadtrip we needed another driver, and E offerred.  At this point E knew I was going, so could she have come for me?  Maybe, but anyway..... so she's coming now too.  We pretty much talk about it daily.  We're both SO excited.  We text and message constantly.

Then we go on the roadtrip.  It's weird because most of our getting to know each other has been online, but the trip goes amazingly well.  3.5 days in the car together = lots of laughing, singing, and having fun.  She seems comfortable with me, but still flirty.  We make eye contact and smile at each other a lot.

Once in Kelowna it's even better because we're sleeping in the same bed.  3 of the 4 nights we get hammered and 1 of the nights we get STONED.  The first night she gives me a back massage and then we fall asleep spooning.  The last night I give her a back massage and we fall asleep spooning AND with my arm around her.  On the last night we go out to a bar and get so drunk.  One of Moo's friends from Kelowna asks me to talk about my coming-out (of the closet) story and all those gritty details about my sexuality.  I tell her and all the time E is staring at me, listening, despite the fact that I'm mostly addressing Moo's friend while telling the story.  When we leave the bar it's raining and E asks me to make an umbrella for her out of my arms.  I lay my arms over her and she wraps her arms around me.  Upon getting into the car, E and I sit right next to each other (despite there being lots of room) and I put my arm around her.

WTF?!?!  She knows I'm queer, she knows I'm more into girls than guys, she knows my whole story..... yet she continues to cuddle, "flirt" (although that could be argued), and stay physically close to me a lot of the time.  Is she just totally comfortable and chill with me?  She's only known me a little over a month though.  My friend suggested that maybe I make her feel a lot more comfortable about herself?  Like, her own "bisexuality" (in quotations because it's hypothetical).  Is it wrong of me to assume her comfort with me means some kind of attraction or queerness?  So many questions..... so good to write.....

Regardless, I'm getting anxious for answers, but what if they never come?  They always do, one way or another.....  She gets a boyfriend, I finally tell her how I feel (dumb!), or..... or..... maybe it's neither of those answers.  Maybe she does like me.  I mean, it's possible.....  I just don't want to prepare for that scenario when it's less likely..... or is it?  I need to talk more to Moo.  She is NOT one to think anyone's gay (unless it's REALLY obvious) and even she says that maybe E could be feeling something.....  I'm hopeful, but I'm also scared.  I've been through this and I'm not anxious to feel all that bullshit again.  Ugh.

Okay.  That was a legit entry.  I'm tired.

Roadtripping

I can't believe it! I feel like I've been waiting for SO long and the day is finally here. Me, my best friend, and my crush/friend are heading on an INSANE 4-day roadtrip! I can't wait. I don't even mind being up at 6am.