Real Aps.

Fuck. I almost made some progress and then I flopped again. Why am I relapsing??? Why am I allowing myself to be so... desperate? Is that the word? Ugh. I'm putting emotions on the ground to just be pounced on, gobbled up, stomped on, and thrown out. Who's stomping on them? ME! I'm just fucking with myself so that I start feeling something other than happiness, because I'm not supposed to feel happy because I'm ALONE!

It's like this reality check... So I'm throwing all of these false emotions at this poor unsuspecting girl who doesn't believe in love and I'm doing nothing to help her. I want a relationship and so I crush on her because it's convenient... she doesn't like me so I think it's okay to use her, but that doesn't make it okay. People still feel things when they're not having feelings for you - they still feel used and manipulated... ugh. I feel like an asshole.

...but she says she doesn't consider me one. Ugh. I still feel gross. I need to go to bed, shower this bullshit off of me when I wake up, and give it all another try...

FUCK FUCK FUCK. FUCK SHITTY COCK BALLS CUNTY TITTY MOTHERFUCKING SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT ASS BALLS DICK HAIRY ASSHOLE SHIT FUCK CUNTY CUNT BITCH ASSHOLE SHIT.

Why do I say the things that I say? Why do I feel the things that I feel? Nevermind these questions... There's nothing I can do about what has been done. It's so late, I need to go to bed and not be sick.

Deep breath. Sleep time.