Pose Is Shun

YES. I must be in an okay position. After the shittiness of last night, and a few one-word texts that did nothing to make me feel better, I got home from campus and when I opened MSN she messaged me right away. Not about anything in particular, but encouraging all the same. I feel incredibly relieved. I will NOT fuck this up again by taking the conversation to bad places.

I didn't! Conversation over and it was pleasant.

Bed time!

Real Aps.

Fuck. I almost made some progress and then I flopped again. Why am I relapsing??? Why am I allowing myself to be so... desperate? Is that the word? Ugh. I'm putting emotions on the ground to just be pounced on, gobbled up, stomped on, and thrown out. Who's stomping on them? ME! I'm just fucking with myself so that I start feeling something other than happiness, because I'm not supposed to feel happy because I'm ALONE!

It's like this reality check... So I'm throwing all of these false emotions at this poor unsuspecting girl who doesn't believe in love and I'm doing nothing to help her. I want a relationship and so I crush on her because it's convenient... she doesn't like me so I think it's okay to use her, but that doesn't make it okay. People still feel things when they're not having feelings for you - they still feel used and manipulated... ugh. I feel like an asshole.

...but she says she doesn't consider me one. Ugh. I still feel gross. I need to go to bed, shower this bullshit off of me when I wake up, and give it all another try...

FUCK FUCK FUCK. FUCK SHITTY COCK BALLS CUNTY TITTY MOTHERFUCKING SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT ASS BALLS DICK HAIRY ASSHOLE SHIT FUCK CUNTY CUNT BITCH ASSHOLE SHIT.

Why do I say the things that I say? Why do I feel the things that I feel? Nevermind these questions... There's nothing I can do about what has been done. It's so late, I need to go to bed and not be sick.

Deep breath. Sleep time.

How far will I go?

I realize right now what kind of relationship I eventually want:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hD83Ns6DF_0

At about 6 minutes you see the loveliness that is Norm & Margie of "Fargo". They are one of the most tender and loving couples I've ever seen displayed on the screen. I am envious.

I had a pretty crazy night last night. It was one of my best friends' birthday celebration (her actual birthday is Tuesday) and although it was off to a slow and dramatic start, we all persevered and ended up having an amazing and outrageous night. She's a hockey player and has some fuckin' hot hockey girl friends. Yum! The stereotypes about hockey girls being lesbians is so unfortunately not true... There's just as much incidence as anywhere else. Bummer. Absolutely stunning eye candy.

I'm kinda pissed at some people... or pissed at myself... or feeling self-conscious or something... I don't even want to get into it because there's a good chance it's all just bullshit in my head. Therefore I will simply go on as if nothing is wrong until/if I'm made (explicitly) to think otherwise.

That's a big motto in my life... or not so much a motto as some kind of mantra maybe... not sure. At any rate, I've always said that we should never assume that someone's mad at us or that something's going on until we know that something is. It happens to all of us - we feel a vibe and make an assumption based on it. Often I'm sure these assumptions are right, but what good is it ever to act based on an assumption? It isn't. So it's best to curb our instinct to get all defensive/upset, and just wait it out until we find out the truth one way or another.

Example: my friend came out with me to my friend's birthday party yesterday. He seemed a little disinterested and annoyed being there, so when he left I felt angry. I thought, "so what? You don't like hanging with me? You think my other friends are less cool?" and so on and so forth... So unproductive, right? I wanted to text him earlier today just to get a dialogue started, but I stopped myself - there's no need to do something just to try to evoke some kind of reaction. So I waited and lo and behold he messaged me recently on MSN. It feels so much better now, because he made the effort, which says to me that there's no bad blood/tension/drama between us. Problem solved!

The other situation is that I have a "crush" on this girl S. The crush is in quotations because I don't know where the crush came from. Certainly she's a cute girl, smart, funny, and nice to talk to/flirt with, but I've spent little to no time with her. I think I just want a crush, and a feasible crush, a.k.a. she's gay and could like me back. The truth is, it doesn't matter whether or not she could like me, because she's told me that she doesn't. Why am I still pursuing it? This is SO reminiscient of this crush I had in the summer of 2006. I caused myself a lot of strife with that one, but I got over it, and I'll get over this too... it's just best that I be a little more proactive and give up now! If she is going to have feelings for me, it certainly won't come from me aggressively pursuing her. So it's time to stop texting, stop messaging on MSN, etc., etc. I'll get over it. I will. I just need to do what I know I need to.

Fin.

High Sweeping

I'm high. It doesn't feel like 1am, it feels like 9 or 10pm. I have some crazy things to say. I hope I get them all out before I green out or lose interest.

I'm watching "30 Rock" on Rogers On Demand. Have you ever heard of R.O.D.? I love ROD.

30 Rock is really funny too... I wonder why I haven't gotten more into it. It's so funny though.

I'm writing like such a high person right now.

Today I had a "nap" that went from 4pm - 10:30pm, hence the feeling like it's 9 or 10 when it's really (now) 1:30.

Wow... interesting thing to share, eh? Haha.

Oh yeah - more things to say. I pulled an all-nighter the other night in order to write an essay. I read an entire novel and then wrote a 1500 word paper between the hours of 10:30pm & 10:30am. Then I worked on a seminar presentation until 11pm and then woke up at 5am to finish it. A.k.a. 6 hours of sleep in like 50 hours. Terrible, eh? So today I got home, had a quick snack, and then napped from 4-10:30, like I said...

Now I'm up again, but I don't wanna be up too late and fuck him my sleep schedule. I'm not tired though. Damn the person I'm talking to online (who I wanna fuck) is not talking to me. Maybe she fell asleep. Who cares?!

Your Karma Hit My Dogma

Ok... this is no joke: when you have a bad day, you must believe that tomorrow will be better. It almost always is, but it really intensely relies on you believing that it will be. I'm serious. Yesterday I was on my period (still am) and was emotional and just had all this annoying stuff happen to me that was only made worse by me feeling shitty to begin with... BUT I knew that today would be good. I harnessed the energy of Paula Abdul (singer of "Promise of a New Day") and went to bed with a lot of faith in the power of tomorrow.

Thank God I did.

Today I have had a wonderful day. I went to all my classes, got some work done in between, saw a bunch of friends, had some good chats, did a favour for a friend, and then got a favour in return from someone else. I had applied for funding for a conference I went to a while back, and yesterday I finally picked up the cheque. It was for $100 - made out to me. I wasn't the one who paid for the conference though, so I went to the guy who did and he said that he didn't need it and that I could keep it for myself.

I could really use $100, too, so I'm so happy that I feel like tap-dancing on the moon!

Tiered.

12:00pm
I'm about to get into the shower, but I thought I'd start my blog first (because you know how I always put off showering). I'm gonna leave the blog open all day today because I don't like to post more than once a day on this blog, but I have a feeling I'm gonna be off and on this computer all day, and in and out of the apartment too.

I am so fucking hungover. Last night was a total and complete gongshow, and so was I. I mean, I was HAMMERED. I drank so much before hitting the bar, and don't even know how I functioned properly while at the bar. I actually walked home from the bar too, which doesn't happen often. I usually cab it, or crash at my friends' place, but I'm trying to conserve the little funds I have, and I really wanted to sleep in my own bed.

I also texted my current crush ALL night and I'm pretty sure I made a fool out of myself. I was asking her to come over and shit, and continued the conversation via MSN once at home. Ugh. Why do we do such things while drunk?

Okay... gotta shower and get my show on the road. As I said, I'll leave this open, and come back to it later.


Later - 9:15pm
I am so insanely tired that I think I might go to bed really soon. If I go to bed now, then I can get up really early tomorrow and not be too tired, and still get done what I would get done right now.

I think that's gonna be my decision. I'm gonna take a couple hits on my pipe (whose name is Anne Frank, by the way), turn on an episode of "Six Feet Under" or a movie or something, and then pass the fuck out.

Alright, no more talking / typing about it. It's time to sleep.

I wanna be on top (take that how you will)

Wow. I am feeling fucking amazing.
Seriously.

...like, on top of the goddamn world!!!

But no more big font.

Anyway, like I said, I'm feeling unreal. Did I share with you that I'm trying to get my shit together school-wise? My plan is to go to every single class for the rest of the term. 33 in total, and so far I am right on the money!!! 7 down, 26 to go! I've also met with a few of my profs, and emailed the others, and they're all aware that I know that I've been slacking, and that I plan to redeem myself in the last 3 weeks of classes. They're also all really supportive and helpful, and every day this week I've felt my decision reinforced.

It's interesting... I'm taking LA102 (Intro. to Latin Part II) and it's my second time taking it. The first time I failed because a) I was taking 6 courses at the time, and was totally overwhelmed, and b) I had just started dating my ex-girlfriend, so I was... consumed with other things. B) was the primary reason, obviously, and now I'm taking it AGAIN and was seeming to be destined to fail AGAIN, and my ex-girlfriend was (part of) the reason AGAIN.

I think that's part of the reason why I'm pulling my socks up finally. I don't want her impacting me like this. Don't get me wrong - grieving/mourning the relationship is fine, even 5 months later, and I don't hate her at all, but I know that the reason I was partying so hard was to get over her... and the reason I was failing was because I was partying so hard... and I just don't want to fail and then be like, it's because of her that I failed...

You know?

I want to pass everything with decent marks. I ain't expecting no A plusses, but passing would be awesome, because then I can say, I've partied and had an unreal term socially, AND I got my shit together and made it out of all this shit on top!!!

I RULE!!!

(I thought you said no more big font!)
Get over yourself, I'm on a roll.

Anyway, moving on... my best friend J. just bought us (W. and I) and him our tickets to see Steve Aoki and more of the Dim Mak crew (i.e. MSTRKRFT). Eeeeee!!! I can't wait.

Okay, I had more to write about, but I'm buzzing and need a cigarette before bed. Peace.

Distract Shun

I'm still crazily obsessed with "You Don't Know Me". Go here if you wanna hear: http://hypem.com/search/regina%20you%20don%27t%20know/1/. There's at least one live version (at Jimmy Kimmel), and also, check out the mash-up with T.I.'s "U Don't Know Me" (http://hypem.com/search/regina%20t.i./1/). All of it is brilliant.

Wow, I've left this entry alone for a while. Sometimes I just open a new post hoping to be inspired, but find myself distracted by the book I'm reading (and almost done) for class, the girl I'm chat-flirting with, my aching legs (a sign that I'm tired), so much beautiful music...

Oh boy, I really am tired.

A little more flirting and it's time to sleep.

Head Spacing

"You Don't Know Me"

I know I mentioned it in yesterday's post, but I cannot get it out of my head, and I don't want to. It's absolutely perfect. It's everything I want in a song right now.

Other songs keep coming on in the playlist and I just can't help but double-click on "You Don't Know Me" again. My name is T.L. and I'm a musicolic.

Anyway, so I'm enjoying some time at home. I spent last night vegging out in front of the TV with a lot of bad-for-you snacks, and then slept from about 2am-11:30am. Then I had some breakfast (complete with coffee of course!) and now I'm about to shower before heading out to the library to grab some books for school.

I intend for today to be a "get in a good head space" day. Not that I'm in a bad one, but there are 3 more weeks of classes, and I'm not doing too hot in school as of right now. The last 3 weeks is enough time to redeem myself, but only if I - you got it! - get in a good head space. I need to organize thoughts and assignments and schedules and plans and hopes and dreams and... You get what I mean.

Anyway, I wanna get out of today and say: I'm not anxious about my present life or my future because I'm capable of doing great things, I just have to get my shit together and not party all of the time. My friends and I will still be friends even if I skip out on a few social occasions, right? So why am I compelled to do everything all of the time without a thought towards my schoolwork? Well, because getting hammered or high is more fun, BUT failing is not.

Ok, shower time & then library!

Scatter-brained

I just checked my online banking and my landlord FINALLY deposited the cheque I gave him, which means he and I are totally square. YES! Now if only I could be square in terms of all my other debts. Ugh. I will be. No need to worry.

I have to be in the shower by 1pm. 45 minutes to go. Why do I need to schedule showers? Well, because as much as I love being clean, I have a really hard time tearing myself away from my extended morning ritual, which includes cigarettes, coffee, music, and Internet-surfing. I honestly LOVE doing this in the morning, especially when I have good-quality coffee, like today.

I'm not coffee conoisseur by any stretch, but I know the difference between Maxwell House (what I drank yesterday) and Starbucks (what I'm drinking today).

BRB - It's 1pm (1:02 actually, I'm a cheater).

Ok, I showered. Now I'm naked drinking coffee and smoking cigarettes while listening to my favourite new song: "You Don't Know Me" by Ben Folds & Regina Spektor. Absolute musical excellence. Here's the link: http://perchmusic.com/Perchmusic/jan09/04%20You%20Dont%20Know%20Me.mp3

So, what else? Well, I'm heading off in probably 40 minutes. I've gotta grab a bus ticket (because they don't sell them at the terminal anymore) and then catch a city bus to the terminal...

...it's about 5 hours later. I didn't finish this post before leaving for the bus...

Anyway, I'm home visiting my parents for today and tomorrow. Just needed a little home time.

That's all for now!

Fire

Ugh. I had a sad moment tonight. It was a moment where I nearly cried, but I didn't, so I should be glad for that. 4 months ago I might've, but I didn't tonight.

Anyway, so I saw these two girls who are dating. I was at this event I organized and they had snuck off to make out presumably. They've been going out for a year or so and it just seems like they still have such fire in their relationship. Did I still have fire at that point in mine? Why didn't we still have fire after two years? Why did it have to end?

Here's the thing though: it did end. For whatever reason (and there were reasons) it ended, and it was supposed to, or it wouldn't have. It's been almost 5 months and on how many occasions have I said, "this is the best thing that could've happened to me"? It opened me up to experiences I never would've tried when she and I were dating. I've done MDMA, I've partied my ass off at a considerably higher rate than EVER before, and I've bonded with my two best friends (J & W) on this level I never would've imagined for us. I feel like I do a lot more for myself. I've let some things slip for sure, but nothing I can't handle.

She's with someone new and that's good for her, but it's also good for me that I'm not with someone new. When she and I got together I was in this great place where I never imagined myself with anyone, which was why it made everything so special.

That will happen again. It will. It will when it's supposed to, and since it hasn't yet, it's not time.

I believe that things happen for a reason, and I have to believe that in this case, even though sometimes it's hard to see that reason...

...but it's not that hard, because look at how much fun I'm having!!!

Hi

Whoa. It took me a long time to remember the name of this blog in order to sign in. I was tripping.

I'm insanely high (on weed).

I don't think I can concentrate enough to write this blog.

What am I feeling?
High.

I need to masturbate.

Future? Fuck you.

There are a bunch of things I'm feeling an urge to discuss. I hope that I articulate myself well and that I don't get too tired to talk about it all.

First of all: my ex-girlfriend. I'm not sure if I've mentioned her, but it doesn't matter. We were together for two years and then broke up. There was no real drama, it was just over between us. 11 days after we broke up she was in a new relationship with someone and now (almost 5 months) later, she still is. It wasn't easy to deal with that, but I get stronger daily. Today she was talking to me about having a family eventually, moving away from the city she currently resides in, and her plans with her GF. I don't know, it's just not something I want to hear, but I get frustrated when it upsets me because it's been 5 months. Shouldn't I be able to handle it? Or should I stop subjecting myself to situations where I could end up hearing stuff like this, a.k.a. online chat with her? OR should she be more sensitive? I could tell her that I don't like it, but then that means that she knows that I'm still upset. Who cares if she knows that though? The truth is, I'm upset when it comes to some things, but not others, and I don't feel like I'd be able to express that. I guess I just deal with it and get stronger. I need to be living in reality and this is it. If I want to maintain a relationship with her, I will get used to these things. If I don't, then I don't have to get used to anything.

Wow. That was actually a really productive way of looking at things. I feel better.

What else? Actually, I am too tired to write, BUT I will write tomorrow about the campaign I was involved with today and how I felt about it.

H-O'ed

Fuck, I just read last night's post and am feeling (1) embarrassed and (2) like I'm one of the funniest people ever. What a hysterical post?! Who ends their post saying, "now time to decide on tags"?! Haha, Tricycle Lowtops, that's who.

So, needless to say, I woke up so fucking hungover. I woke up at like 3pm, for one thing, which is funny. I also managed to break TWO glasses this morning. One I broke when I threw my pillow off my bed and hit it or something... Actually, I probably shoved it off my night table... It's hard to know. Anyway, the second one I basically elbowed off my desk, and it fell and broke. Totally ridiculous. Then I just started drinking coffee like it was my job - with a glass of water and some Tylenols, of course.

Since then I've had some cigarettes, pizza, and I'm doing laundry. I really want to clean my room before I go to sleep tonight as well. Hopefully I will do that.

Oh God, this post is senseless.

DRUNKY.

Is it Sunday? Is it Saturday? Who fucking knows? All I know is that I'm hammered as shit and I'm glad that this is a (relatively) secret blog.

I just ordered a pizza. I thought it was too late for a pizza, but it turns out that it is not.

I want to watch "Superbad".

OMG.
I am hammered SO badly. I am about to turn on a movie, but just had to post to say:

I'M HAMMERED.
Now time to decide on tags.

Coffee, Cigarettes, and Pretention

My favourite songs right now include: "Warwick Avenue" by Duffy, "Love Story" by Taylor Swift, "Hysteric" by Yeah Yeah Yeahs, "The Night Starts Here" by Stars, "Electric Feel (Justice Remix)" by MGMT, "Grip Like A Vice" by The Go! Team, "Lazy Eye" by Silversun Pickups, "Hold Your Secrets to Your Heart" by Miracle Fortress, and "Hometown Glory (Chewy Chocolate Cookies Remix)" by Adele.

God, my music taste is so diverse. Ick, that sounds so pretentious. Who cares?! No one knows who I am.

This is my secret blog.

Moving on...

Another jokes night is over and so I'll reflect (again... pretentious) before bed over a cigarette and some more of my eclectic music, haha!

I had a totally lazy day full of coffee & cigarettes, like all the best ones are. At 7pm I walked over to my friends' house. It was amazing to walk in such nice weather, so it was a total pleasure, compared to the hellish experience walking would have been a few weeks ago in below zero weather. Anyway, I got to their house, and then our other friend joined us with some weed she'd just bought. We got high, and then 4 of us drove a little while away to see "Watchmen".

"Watchmen" was fucking terrible. I can appreciate the creative and interesting plot, but who the fuck wrote the script?! My friend (a trusted source) says it was taken right out of the comic. Great, so it's the comic writer that was responsible for that pretentious garbage?! Oh my God - the dramatic pauses, the one-liners, the melodramatic bullshit... Thank God I was high, because I'm not sure I could've put up with some of that crap if it wasn't so goddamn trippy. I'll give the movie this - it was entertaining as hell. Even baked out of my mind I couldn't take my eyes off of the screen. Maybe it wasn't that bad. I mean, I sat through the entire 3 hours of it... but that script! My God!

Anyway, I'm gonna watch some "American Idol" before bed. I haven't been watching this season at all and I wanna catch up before the top 12.

Priorities

I was at work the other night and one of my good friends (also a co-worker) was with me. We were just closing up shop for the night and I asked her if she wanted to come out with some of my friends and I. We were planning on a pre-drink, and then heading over to a favourite club. She said no, as she had a quiz the next morning, but I could tell that there was some hesitation. She then said: "What if I die tomorrow? I will think to myself, I should've just gone out and had fun." I didn't want to pressure her though, so I said, school's your main priority now, so don't put yourself down for that.

Then I started thinking about what my main priority right now is, and truthfully - it's having fun. Almost 5 months ago my girlfriend and I broke up. We had been together 2 years and although the relationship left a lot to be desired, it was extremely hard finding myself single after 2 years, especially because within 11 days of the break-up my ex was with someone new (and still is). Anyway, it was a bleak couple months of me trying to navigate single life, with a lot of fuck-ups along the way.

After the holidays though, I felt renewed and ready to make things right in my life. From that point on it has been pretty much non-stop partying. I have focused on schoolwork from time to time, but barely... However, I'm not worried about it. I might not do great in all of my courses, but I'm making memories, I'm living life, and I'm really fucking happy.

Tonight I got high on some crazy chronic with 4 of my good friends, and then we went on an adventure to a park, then walked to a grocery store, bought tonnes of food, and then went back to their place, ate the food, and watched "Planet Earth". So jokes.

Now it's 4am and time for bed... then maybe we'll do it all over again.

Midma

I'll be honest - I've got a couple blogs floating around the interweb. None of them are under this name (Tricycle Lowtops), but they are out there. The thing is that I use them all for different things, but none of them are anonymous. I've always wanted an anonymous blog. I've made 1 or 2 before, but I never do anything with them. This time I will.

I'm Tricycle Lowtops and I intend to rock your world with this anonymous blog - starting with what I did last night.

MDMA.

I'm no stranger to drug use, but this was my first time venturing into a world outside weed and shrooms. That said, I've only done shrooms once, so I don't even know if I can count that. Basically I'm no stranger to weed - at all. I smoke a lot of weed on a fairly regular basis, but I'd certainly never tried MDMA. BUT my friend had a hook-up and we were going to a Steve Aoki concert, so it seemed fitting.

It was.

You hear a lot of stuff about ecstasy - that having sex on E is amazing, that when you're on it you just wanna dance and touch everyone, that being on it is to be really, really fucking happy. However, if you've never been on it, it's hard to imagine that it's really as amazing as people make it sound.

I'm here to tell you that it is.
It really fucking is.

While on MDMA I actually felt ecstastic. The second it kicked in I just HAD to get up and dance. I was totally uninhibited. I was whipping my hair around, running my hands over my body, and just feeling the music all the way to my bones. It was absolutely amazing.

No, I didn't have sex on it, but I'd like to try it again and have sex next time. Honestly, I didn't even want to have sex, but I did want to touch everyone. Touching people was the most amazing sensation. Fuck, I wish everyone could try it. It was the perfect night with the perfect venue, the perfect people, and the perfect drug.

If you've been on it before, I know you get it.