Not sure how likely it is that I'll get a decent post written, but I'm gonna give it a shot.
SO... Tricycle is international at the moment, and has been for about 3 weeks now. I went on a family trip for 2 weeks, and am now just with my sister, staying at a friend's place in another country, which I could name, but I'd rather continue with this well-kept veil of mystery... I'm here for less than a week more, and then back to my life in Canada.
Believe it or not, I'm pumped to get home. I am having and have had an unreal time, but I miss my apartment, my job, and just being in a place that I know and where all my shit is. Living out of a suitcase leaves something to be desired for me, you know?
Also, I happen to have someone waiting back at home for me. Yes, it is true, Tricycle has finally found herself a girlfriend. Perhaps "girlfriend" isn't the word to be using yet, but potential girlfriend for sure. Her name is K. and I've known her for a really long time. We went to the same church when we were younger and had many mutual friends, and then went to the same university. It was at uni that I realized she was queer, AND that she was dating a girl in a group of friends that I often dipped in and out of.
ANYWAY - the weekend before I left, I went to a club that she was at and we had a whole flirtation thing going on... some hand holding, some grinding, etc. The next day she asked me to meet her downtown and hang for a bit, so we did. Then she wanted to hang out that night... so my friend J. and I met her for some drinks, and while drinking and smoking on a patio, she reached over and held my hand. I saw sparks.
So... since I left, she broke up with her GF and has emailed me every day, wanting me more and more as days go by...
I want her too. I want her to be my girlfriend and for us to fall in love...
Am I moving too fast? Does she need more time between her last relationship and me?
I just want this to work, so I need to breathe, relax, and take it one step at a time. I mean, I'm totally falling for her, but... Actually, there's no "but". I trust my instincts. It'll all be ok.
I haven't posted in 9 days... which is weird because I was posting pretty much daily for a bit there. I think I stopped because this was becoming a blog all about E., which I never wanted. I want to be able to post about shit I wouldn't anywhere else, BUT - this is getting boring. Tricycle was getting boring. I think I'm pulling out of this slump though, which is sweet. I think I just fell into that well-known pattern of crushing on a straight girl, getting overly excited, and then (inevitably) getting overly depressed about it. I've stopped talking to her pretty much completely though, and it's getting easier each day, so I think that'll help. I mean, how many straight girls did I crush on before Douche? There were at least 4 big ones... I've had 2 since Douche, so maybe 2 more? Oh God... I don't want to be single for that long.
I saw a TOTAL cutie at a bubble tea place last night. I can't get her out of my brain. That was a good sign... although E. still found her way into my fantasies last night / today.
Speaking of which: masturbation followed by cigarettes is the best way to start a day.
If I was choking right now, nobody could save me. I'm alone in my apartment. I'd die alone. That's scary. I wonder how red my face is. I just sneezed with (marijuana) smoke in my mouth and now my throat is raw. It hurts. Mabs I need some watah!
I'm high right now. Is that already apparent?
BRB - need watah! Stat!
Got some water, and some popcorn. Unreal.
Shit, I forgot about this. Throat doesn't hurt at all anymore. Unreal.
So E... never really followed up on that... yeah, so I cracked on Thursday and messaged her. The conversation was brutal - one-word answers and shit. Rough. Then I tried her Friday again. Also rough. Then Friday my friend's like, "E texted me, she's hammered, call her" and so I didn't call, but I texted, but I accidentally hit dial, I think... then I click hang-up and text instead... This is confusing me... I'm high, so that's rough... Anyway, so I text and she calls me and is like, "Did you call me?" and I'm like "No" so she's like "okay, bye!" and I'm like, "uhhh okay, bye!" It was awkward. Then we texted for a bit longer, and then she said she was going to sleep. The texts were dumb though, cuz we were like both drunk. Anyway, Saturday and SUnday I didn't msg/text/Facebook/etc. THen today I don't msg either because I'm trying not to and she messages me, and it was so weird and rough and strange... I just don't get it. Why does she talk to me anymore? And why, when she does, is it so different?
I just got home. It's 3am. She came online a little while ago. I was close, but I didn't crack... She's offline now. Fuck. So this is how it is? We just don't talk anymore? I know 4 days (or really 3) is nothing, but like, it used to be every day... there used to be drunk texts... fuck me. Ugh.
In good news! Season 3 of "Life of Ryan" is on YouTube.
Shit, she's back on again. Is she ever gonna message?
I just @'d her. That's cheating. I might delete it.
Edit It's 6:22pm. I'm at work. I did end up deleting that @. Ugh. I'm tempted right now. What would the harm be if I messaged? I've gone 3 days... I mean, I know I can do it... but what would the good be if I messaged? I mean, I'd be better off NOT messaging, but... what if she never messages me again? It's just over? It's just... over?
Fuck... I need to talk myself out of this, right? But if we never talk again, doesn't that say that something IS up? Fuck.
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
What if I message and we have a terrible convo? Ugh. What if I message and she's like "G2G" right away? Ugh. What if I message and it's back to normal?
OMG I shouldn't... I shouldn't... I'll be stronger if I don't, but I hate that she might never ever message me again... but if she doesn't, then that's fate... but if I message her, that's fate too... Actually, the fact that I'm questioning this so much means that I probably SHOULD NOT message her... AHHHHHHH!!!
Ew. My table (where my computer is) is really sticky and dirty. I should scrub it tonight. I just showered and now my arms feel sticky and gross. ICK!
I love my mornings. I sat on the balcony for like 20 minutes this morning just smoking, drinking coffee, and listening to my new iPod. I could do it forever. That's why I always wish I would wake up a little earlier, so I can maximize morning time... but it's kinda hard to when I go to bed at 3am.
You know what? This summer is SO much better without my dumbass ex-girlfriend, Madam Douchebag. Sure I had sex whenever I wanted it, and I had nightly plans... but I've pretty much got nightly plans now, and they're better ones. They don't consist of Douche playing around on Facebook while I played Tony Hawk Underground on her GameCube. God, it was SO obvious that we were falling apart. I can't believe I didn't see it then!
Moving on...
It's Day 3. No cracking yet - on either side. I told Moo last night and she's like, fuck it! It's not worth it, she's not worth it... she's just not that into you. She must be right... but that being said, is it possible that she's waiting for me? Doubtful. My boss says that she thinks E. likes the attention when she's feeling unconfident or insecure, but when she's feeling good she feels no need to talk to me. It's sad, but a really legit theory, and honestly? I'm caring a lot less. I mean, who is E anyway? Like, she's been in my life for a little over 2 months now, but my life isn't better or worse because of her. It's just another distraction... another thing to fantasize about and obsess over until someone else comes along, or until I maybe get involved with something real.
One can only hope.....
**EDIT 1 - 2:30pm** Back at work... I love work. I love having things to keep me busy.
She's online. Do you think she'll ever crack?
**EDIT 2 - 8:24pm** She's been online all day. No cracking from either side. I'm so tired. No energy. I wanted to do laundry tonight, but I just don't see myself having the energy to do so. That being said, I dread the idea of sitting waiting for myself and her to not message each other, because that's what'll happen, isn't it? I mean, there's been no communication since Sunday, and even then, the communication between us since the roadtrip has been totally different. What the fuck is it? What the fuck has changed? Why does she not wanna talk anymore? She had her fill? She got turned off?
...or is it positive? Does she like me? Does she want me to initiate?
Day 2 has begun. I've got about 45 minutes until I leave for work, so it's still relatively early in the day, but, as always, it will be a challenge. I wonder how long it's gonna take. I wonder if it's gonna be as straightforward as just making it through each day without caving. I wonder if she's gonna message me. I wonder if it's gonna be complicated and if something new will throw me off... something like her drunk texting me again... something like her taking my "hard to get"ness and running with it, like her chasing me instead... Whatever happens, eventually there's gonna be some kind of "solution"... some kind of "Oh okay, so this is how it is". There's always one of those moments.
Additionally, I'm having some anxieties about money. I think it's about time I go to the bank and work out some kind of plan or get some kind of advice. I'm 22 now and eventually I'm gonna look into things like a car (once I get my license) or a house or something, and I imagine my credit right now is kind of shit, but there's gotta be some kind of solution, so I should try and find it.
I'm going on a big trip for almost all of July. I'm gonna make a promise to myself RIGHT NOW that I will meet with someone at the bank before June 26th.
I will meet with someone at the bank about my finances before June 26th.
I don't want to have this anxiety on my trip, so I promise I will sort this out beforehand.
I may have screwed myself a bit, but I can't be in that bad shape... or if I am, there's a solution.
**EDIT... a couple hours later** I'm at work. She's online. The true Day 2 battle has begun.
**EDIT 2** She's on Facebook Chat, but not MSN. Have I been blocked? **EDIT 3** She's back on MSN. Still no messaging. Rough times.
**EDIT 4** Fuuuucccckkkk. She's on Facebook Chat, but not MSN again. I'm wondering if it's a legit block. Needless to say, not pleased.
Day 1 - COMPLETE. No texting, MSNing, or Facebooking. She's been online for a lot of the day, but I never caved. I won't today either. I promise.
**EDIT**
Fuck, this is hard, and depressing. I can't tell if I'm not tired or if I'm hoping she'll still message me tonight. FML. All I wanna do is smoke and then fall asleep. I wish I had some weed... or some hard liquor. She's obviously not gonna message me tonight though. It's deliberate, too. She used to message me almost the second I got online, and now? Nope. Not a message or a text, and she knows I'm online.
So what does it mean? What did it mean before she stopped messaging? And now that she has? What changed? Is it nothing? Is it something? What did I do? Did I fuck it up, or can you even call it that? Will she ever message if I never do?
Fuck me, what is with this? This is how it happens though. I ask a lot of questions and then eventually I stop caring to ask, and then I stop caring..... I never wanted to stop, but eventually I just do. It just happens like that.
So is it over then? Just another chapter to fade away? Did I write enough poetry about it? Fuck. When will the next real one come? Douche was real. She was legit and tangible and credible experience..... E? She's just another gal, eh? Well, fuck me. Fuck my stupid life and all these stupid straight girls..... or more than that, all these stupid unrequited crushes.....
but what would I do if she told me she liked me? Would it be like a dream come true? Or would I realize it was just lust right from the beginning and it never meant anything more than another face to picture while I masturbated? I know that sounds horrible, but is that it? I mean, fuck - I don't really love her. I know what love is now and this isn't it. It seems more like lust, or a fun way to pass the time. I love fantasies - people to dream about while I walk to work or before I fall asleep at night.
Does that mean it's not them? It's me. It's not her torturing me, it's me torturing myself?
She's not gonna message me tonight, and I'm not gonna message her.
So that's what it was the whole time? The roadtrip? The drunk texts? Just another fantasy? When she gets drunk next, will she text me? What will I say? Will I be cold and "hard to get"? I'm not hard to get. I'm easy to get. I'm an easy target because I'm not ready for a relationship yet..... otherwise I'd be in one, or at least I'd stop crushing on another maybe straight girl.
What if she does like me? Would it mean anything? What would I do then? Would it be perfect? Or would it be scary as shit because the reason I like her so much is that she's unattainable? Just a fucking fabrication. She's a real person, but she's an idea to me. Does that make me worse than her? Is she even bad?
Is she aware that I'm thinking like this? She's still online.
I know I'm a broken record, but I don't care. I'm thinking about E. She's making me crazy because I'm still crushing, but she's also really getting under my skin... drunk texts, mixed signals, etc. at a constant, but then tonnes of coldness and passive aggression when we talk online. In person she's shy and quiet, but then online she's a mixture of a flirt, my new best friend, and my worst enemy. It's driving me INSANE.
Moo said today that E's a dead-end, and I might as well agree. No more texting, MSNing, or Facebooking anymore, unless she initiates, but even then - perhaps some coldness and "hard-to-get"ness from my end wouldn't be such a bad idea.
Ok, that's a little dramatic, but I acted. a. fool. last night. Seriously. I don't even want to recount every moment (because snippets have been coming back to me all morning, and I can't bear to type them out), but let's just say that it was rough. Personal low maybe? Yeahhh personal low.
Ugh. Ugh.
I will add more to this entry in a bit. Time for work soon.
Ughhhhh... She's online but hasn't messaged me. I will not under any circumstances message her. I drunk-texted her last night. I don't regret it, but I also deleted my inbox and outbox so I have NO idea what I said. I'm sure I'd remember if it was bad, so I'm not worried, but still...
I'm frustrated with the changes our friendship has gone through.
That's a lie. I'm frustrated because it's seeming less likely that anything NON-friendly will ever happen. I mean, let's be honest here. Truthfully, there was never any chances of that anyway though, it seems, so...
Mmmm..... I have some chicken and baby corn simmering in a sauce I made up on my own. It's a mixture of ranch dressing, Teriyaki sauce, and a whole bunch of different spices I just threw in. Ooh! And there's also lemon and lemon pepper. Yummy! I have a feeling it's gonna be absolutely delish!!! I'll let you know how it turns out. It's time to eat!
It was delicious (4-5 hours later). It was tangy and sweet and perfectly delectable! Now I'm having dessert - two pieces of toast covered in sugar, cinnamon, and icing sugar, haha!
E just @'d me on Twitter, if you know what that means, haha... that is, if anyone even reads this blog. Anyway, that doesn't matter. So, the last I'd heard from her was last night - another (maybe drunk) text. We'd been talking all day on MSN (initiated by me) and then she left rather abruptly, but it wasn't a big deal. I got into bed and was watching a movie ("Juno" - E's favourite. Coincidence?) when my phone vibrated with a text from her. She apologized for her quick leave from MSN. SO. F'IN. CUTE. Like, she does all the things I've always wanted from a crush, but that doesn't mean she's crushing back... It just means she's cute and sweet and will continue to torture me with her cuteness and sweetness until I no longer consider her cute and sweet.
Anyway, the texting left off with a boring one from me, and then I fell asleep. No word from her today. She's been on MSN for a few hours, but I've stayed strong. Then I see this @tricycle on Twitter (except my name on Twitter isn't tricycle, so don't look).
I'm obsessed, but at least she's not dropping me like dirty laundry.
Maybe she'll message me at some point or @ me again. I'll keep this entry going until then.
It's 10:57pm.
It's 12:26 now. She @'d me again, so I messaged her. We've been chatting since.
E's online. I just got home. I'm baked. I thought I might be getting drunk texts from her tonight, but she's just online. I haven't messaged her, but I really really want her to message me, so instead of driving myself crazy waiting, I thought I'd write about waiting and make it easier on myself.
Does that make sense? Maybe not because I'm H. I'm like really H. High, I mean, but also horny. OMG she messaged!!! YAY! I won! LOL.
Whoa, I don't usually write like this, but I like it... It's very high, haha! Ahahahahaha unreal. Really happy with the fact that I waited it out, hahahah.
God, I have some serious back pain right now… or maybe it’s more in the shoulders / neck.Wherever it is, it’s fucking killing me.I have some friends coming over tonight – maybe I can convince one of them to give me a little rub-down.I wish it was E., haha, but she probably wouldn’t do it.I gave her a few massages in BC – the kind of massages where you straddle the person when they’re lying on their stomach.Needless to say it was pretty hot.She gave me one or two as well, but they were totally half-assed, the selfish little bitch.Not that I cared, really, because it was great having her straddling my back with her legs regardless of what she was doing with her hands.
Fuck.That may have been the dirtiest and perv-iest paragraph I’ve written in this blog yet.I’m proud of it because the whole point of this blog was to be able to say the things I can’t anywhere else… in some ways I have been doing that, but in other ways I’ve just been writing about the same bullshit that I write about everywhere else… that I talk about… that I cry about…
I had a few mini-cries last night.I was so goddamned depressed and it kinda came out of nowhere.I’m on my period though, so I’m just gonna chock it up to PMS, hormones, and all that other unfair bullshit.Speaking of my period, sometimes menstrual blood is so distinctly red.I mean, sometimes it’s brown, and sometimes it’s close to black… other times it’s more like crimson, but then sometimes it’s perfectly red, like Crayola red.It’s amazing that nature comes in colours like that.Like the sky today – so perfectly blue…
I’m loving this entry so far.So random and inspired.
Last night I was depressed, like I said.My roommate is moved out (NOT why I’m depressed) and she disconnected the Internet before leaving, because it was in her Dad’s name.Legit move, I’m not mad, BUT it’s fucking annoying not to have decent wireless.I’ve been stealing signals, but none of them are reliable, and even when they work it’s so slow.I guess I should get hooked up with some wireless of my own, but it would mean buying a router and paying a monthly bill and I feel like I just can’t be bothered to add another expense to my life when I’m already drowning in my current ones…That being said, it really is depressing not to have Internet.I want to be able to watch YouTube videos until my heart is content, but I can’t do that when they take an hour to fully load.So what do I do, suck it up and enjoy the wonderfully quick Internet at work and then take up reading?Or, do I suck it up in the other sense and get some Internet at my apartment?Conundrum…I think we both know what I need to do though.I need to get myself linked up!
UPDATE: I’m currently involved in a live chat with some representative from Bell, haha!
Ooh!I just cleaned out my student email inbox and went from 88% content to 47%.That felt good, and it was a little therapeutic, too.Four years of school and one more to go…Did I mention I passed Latin?For that matter, did I mention I was taking Latin?Well, I did, and I was.I was really destined to fail, but somehow I managed to JUST pass with a D-.I don’t care AT ALL about the low mark because it’s a pass, and it means that I never have to take Latin again, so who cares?!Additionally, the first time I took the course (that’s right, I failed it once before, and almost failed again) was when my ex and I were first dating, and then the second time I took it (most recently) was when my ex and I broke up, so if I had failed again?I would have been fucking pissed at myself.It’s like my ex was still reaching into my life and fucking it up… when in reality it was me making bad (although, that’s debatable) choices.What happens in my life is not the results of others’ actions, but only my own.Really, I believe that’s true.
For example, this Latin situation with the ex (we’ll call her… Douche): the first time I failed was not her fault.I was head-over-heels in love and I chose to spend my time with my girlfriend rather than conjugating verbs and declining nouns.For the record: no regrets.The second time I took it I was recently single and wanted to party away the sadness and make a new life for myself.In doing that I neglected a lot of scholastic responsibilities, but near the end of the term I realized, “shit, I don’t wanna fail”, so I got my stuff together and redeemed myself; not a lot, but enough to pass all of my courses, which is a goddamn miracle.Anyway, what I mean is that it’s not Douche’s fault in either case.I make decisions based on the things that I experience and then take action, so I control my destiny in a way, although I still believe in fate… but I think fate plays a part in all of the decisions I make, kinda like I’m pre-programmed BUT I still feel like I have free will maybe…Whoa, philosophical, eh?Anyway, moral of the story is that my ex actually IS a douche.
Actually, speaking of Douche, I’ve been thinking about her lately…Not that it’s strange to think about her; because truthfully what I’m thinking about is the void she left in terms of me not having a girlfriend.That’s what I really want, but Douche is all that there’s ever been, so naturally it’s her I think of.Anyway, sometimes we talk on Gmail Chat.It used to be her messaging me all the time, but the past couple days I’ve messaged her…I wonder: if I never messaged her would she be content to never speak again?I mean, she made a totally new life for herself when we broke up.She lives in a new city, she has a new job, she has new friends, and of course – she has a new girlfriend AND lives with said girlfriend.It’s not as though my life is exactly the same minus her.It’s just that I live in the same city, go to the same school, and (mostly) hang out with the same people.However, in a lot of ways I am not the same person.I’ve done a lot of things since we broke up that have changed me, and that I wouldn’t have done while with Douche.Deep down I know every single moment that it was the right thing, but I still wish my heart had someone to feel those deep, intense feelings for like it did with her.No doubt that it will again, but when?
Wow… this entry is unreal.I’m not stopping yet!
When I came back from my road trip my roommate emailed me saying there was no food at the apartment, so I might have to live off of expired milk and cereal for a few days.When I got to the apartment I saw that there were four untouched chicken breasts, fresh strawberries, and a whole bunch of other delicious treats.I don’t get her relationship with food.She buys great food, but is too lazy to prepare it, or even just straight-up eat it.I mean like strawberries!They’re ready to eat!C’mon, eat ‘em!Oh well, I’m glad I got to enjoy them anyway, but seriously – she has an issue with food.She thinks that mashed potatoes are too flavourful.Is she crazy?!Mashed potatoes don’t get less flavourful.Don’t get me wrong – I love mashed potatoes, but flavourful?!?Anyway, I’m obviously starting to babble.I need to either come up with some more stuff to write about, or quit while I’m (kinda) ahead.
I just remembered this time I was heading home from school on the subway and the train broke down or something a pretty long way from my house.I called my Mom from a payphone to try and get a ride, but (legitimately) she said “no”.She probably refused because the traffic would’ve been a bitch, but what I remember best is me saying on the phone, “I’m not shitting you Mom, I really need a way to get home”, or something along those lines.I remember her gasping in shock – I don’t talk to my Mom that way normally.I wonder why this memory resurfaced…Anyway, I walked all the way home, which was about 45 minutes, and of course it was the day my iPod ran out of batteries and when I was wearing my least supportive shoes…Strange memory.
Whoa, I’m starting to get tired.I’ve been writing this entry for a while now, off and on, and it’s now 3pm, a.k.a. almost the end of the workday.After work I’m going to the grocery store to get a few things, and then having a few friends over for a night in!
Anyway, that’s all for now!Literally, it’s time to end this post.
Bahhhh. Not like a sheep, but like a frustrated Tricycle.
She's not talking to me like she used to, and I don't think it's in my head.
Then again, who fucking cares?! She's been in my life for less than 2 months and I mean, she's cute and great, but I have greater friends... It's just a fucking crush. It always seems like my whole world at the time, but it's not.
Even my financial situation. It's looking pretty bleak and it makes me anxious, but it's fix-able. It might take some more saving, discipline, cutting down on the partying... but regardless, I can fix it. I need to stop being anxious and just hiding my head under the sand, and instead be PROACTIVE. It doesn't mean I have to go beg my parents or declare bankruptcy, because it's not like that. It's just about making smart decisions. I'd really like to have my shit paid off by next April... even before, but I have to be realistic. I wanna graduate debt free. The sad thing is that I don't even have student debt. I suppose it's more like STUPID debt. Hahah... but not actually that funny.
A while later...
We're talking now... she seems more like she used to, but I am over-thinking it. My friend Jelly (hahah... Jelly) told me E. has a lot on her plate, so I shouldn't worry. I'll try that out.
P.S. I had this crush in high school... we'll call her Monster, because she was one. Anyway, eventually Monster and I broke up, and not in the sense that we were dating, but we did the whole "we can't be friends" thang. So when we "broke up" I used to always write about her in my diaries and stuff, but I'd never refer to her as Monster, but always just as "she" or "her". I became fascinated with the pronoun. I couldn't even say her fucking name.
Now I'm doing that with E. I don't mean in this blog, because I'm calling her E. for the sake of my privacy... and her's as well, I suppose. But just generally... and in my diary maybe... it concerns me, and fascinates me. It also suggests that NOTHING will happen here. She's an idea, not a reality. I mean, at least for me... which is sad for her, but not really. More so for me.
We're having a good conversation though, so I'm not gonna let it bother me.
I know this feeling. She logged on MSN (like, just... logged on... little window popped up with her name) and I got a flutter + anxiety. Then I opened a chat window and haven't messaged her, it's just sitting at the bottom of the screen.
Seriously? I'm here again? This is Lame (with a capital "L"). Ugh. So what now? I wait and see if she messages and if she doesn't then I do? Or if neither of us message, I... ? What then? God this is dumb. NO. I haven't been thinking about her today. I've been keeping busy with things at work. She and I are friends. I don't have to worry, stress, or get anxious about it.
That being said, it worries me that I'm at a point where I need to say things like: "She and I are friends."
...
She doesn't message me anymore though. Okay, that's dramatic, but kinda true. Well... okay no, mostly dramatic. Anyway, pretty much for 3-4 weeks there she messaged me EVERY TIME I WAS ONLINE. Now she hasn't... for 2 days...
Fuck, I'm pathetic. Thank God for this secret blog. Ick. I'm kinda embarrassed for myself. I just want her to message me. Ugh. FML.
So I talked to another friend about E tonight; a friend that knows E better than Moo. In fact, this friend, I'll call her Jelly, seems to know ME better than Moo does, despite the fact that Moo has known me for like 4 years and Jelly has known me for a few months... these fake names are ridiculous. ANYWAY, so I tell Jelly that I have a crush on someone and she already knows it's E. I'm kinda dumbfounded, but at the same time Jelly totally comes across as someone who is really perceptive. Regardless, I ask her how she knows. She tells me it's by the way I look at E... the look in my eyes... she can tell that for me E is the only one in the room...
Seriously?! From my eyes?! Wow... I'm not gonna think of it as me being obvious, because I think it's more that Jelly is UNBELIEVABLY perceptive. Impressive, eh?
Anyway... Jelly also tells me that E knows I like her... or at least she knew at one point in time. Somebody told her and she didn't care at all. Well that's good, I guess. I mean, it'd be great if she cared in the way I wanted her to, but we can't all have what we want. It sure makes the BC trip interesting though. I mean, she knew? Jelly says that maybe E doesn't know that the crush still exists, but still...
Anyway, according to Jelly, although she wasn't harsh in the least, the feelings aren't reciprocated. She doesn't know that for sure, and she wasn't presumptuous, but she was direct enough to make me think: maybe it's about time I move on from this little (read: big) crush. I know I was singing a different song yesterday, but I really think it's time. I got all anxious about E last night, and I've been thinking about her today, and I think I should at least get the ball rolling on moving on. It doesn't happen instantly, but we might as well get started, eh?
Wow. I wish I could be sure that I'll write a long entry right now, because I'd say - brew yourself a pot of coffee, put on some comfy clothes, and read about my trials and tribulations, but I can't ever be sure I'll end up with something substantial. The same thing always happens with my actual journal (you know, like a paper and pen kinda deal). Sometimes I just wanna let it all out, but my inspiration and motivation won't take me as far as I wanna go. If the muse isn't with you, the muse isn't with you. (Exactly, George.) [That was a "Six Feet Under" quote, but I'm not sure I got it completely right.]
Aaaaanyway..........
So. I just got home to my parents' house for a weekend after the long-awaited roadtrip + 4 days in Kelowna, BC. The roadtrip was absolutely amazing -- good times, good music, lots of laughs, and some of the most breath-taking scenery I've ever seen.
BUT that's not what I'm in the mood to chat about. I wanna chat about my crush - E. She came on the roadtrip with us. I only have an hour left on my Mom's laptop (battery), but I'm gonna do my best to really break-down my experience with E from start to finish. I think if I focus on just her that I can get it all out in one sitting, but first I have to pee.
Okay back.
Okay, E. I met her at my best friend's birthday. We'll call my best friend Moo. Moo has been my best friend for 4 years, and she was celebrating her birthday at a pub. Moo plays hockey and I try to go to a lot of the games, although this year I haven't gone to a tonne. A bunch of Moo's hockey teammates come to the pub to celebrate with her - including E. I notice E immediately. She's cute, beautiful, and hot, all at once. We all get really hammered that night, have a great time, and go home.
The next day E adds me to Facebook. Then she messages me on Facebook chat. Then she gives me her number. Then a few days later we chat on Facebook and she gets me to add her to MSN. Ever since the beginning of April we've been chatting pretty much nightly on MSN. Like, chatting from 10pm-5am on a regular basis. We've hung out a few times too -- once she came over to my apartment, another time we went out for beers and got high, and there's been other hang-out sessions too..... and then of course the constant chatting and texting -- all the time. The conversations are good too -- always interesting and funny and sometimes even flirty.
Anyway, so when Moo and I decided to do this roadtrip we needed another driver, and E offerred. At this point E knew I was going, so could she have come for me? Maybe, but anyway..... so she's coming now too. We pretty much talk about it daily. We're both SO excited. We text and message constantly.
Then we go on the roadtrip. It's weird because most of our getting to know each other has been online, but the trip goes amazingly well. 3.5 days in the car together = lots of laughing, singing, and having fun. She seems comfortable with me, but still flirty. We make eye contact and smile at each other a lot.
Once in Kelowna it's even better because we're sleeping in the same bed. 3 of the 4 nights we get hammered and 1 of the nights we get STONED. The first night she gives me a back massage and then we fall asleep spooning. The last night I give her a back massage and we fall asleep spooning AND with my arm around her. On the last night we go out to a bar and get so drunk. One of Moo's friends from Kelowna asks me to talk about my coming-out (of the closet) story and all those gritty details about my sexuality. I tell her and all the time E is staring at me, listening, despite the fact that I'm mostly addressing Moo's friend while telling the story. When we leave the bar it's raining and E asks me to make an umbrella for her out of my arms. I lay my arms over her and she wraps her arms around me. Upon getting into the car, E and I sit right next to each other (despite there being lots of room) and I put my arm around her.
WTF?!?! She knows I'm queer, she knows I'm more into girls than guys, she knows my whole story..... yet she continues to cuddle, "flirt" (although that could be argued), and stay physically close to me a lot of the time. Is she just totally comfortable and chill with me? She's only known me a little over a month though. My friend suggested that maybe I make her feel a lot more comfortable about herself? Like, her own "bisexuality" (in quotations because it's hypothetical). Is it wrong of me to assume her comfort with me means some kind of attraction or queerness? So many questions..... so good to write.....
Regardless, I'm getting anxious for answers, but what if they never come? They always do, one way or another..... She gets a boyfriend, I finally tell her how I feel (dumb!), or..... or..... maybe it's neither of those answers. Maybe she does like me. I mean, it's possible..... I just don't want to prepare for that scenario when it's less likely..... or is it? I need to talk more to Moo. She is NOT one to think anyone's gay (unless it's REALLY obvious) and even she says that maybe E could be feeling something..... I'm hopeful, but I'm also scared. I've been through this and I'm not anxious to feel all that bullshit again. Ugh.
I can't believe it! I feel like I've been waiting for SO long and the day is finally here. Me, my best friend, and my crush/friend are heading on an INSANE 4-day roadtrip! I can't wait. I don't even mind being up at 6am.
When I woke up I was in a bad mood. I think it was a combination of being tired and feeling frustrated about this excrutiating exam period. Almost EVERYONE is done and I've just been puttering around studying (or more accurately, feeling sorry for myself) without any dedication to the material or the end result.
BUT - I know that being depressed about not being done won't help anything. I need to approach today's exam with a positive attitude. Sure, I might not get 100% on it (or close), but that doesn't mean I don't have to be optimistic, try my hardest, and hope for the best, does it? NO - I must be positive. I will take a deep breath, smile, stretch, encourage myself, and see what happens! YES!
I know it's cheesy, but it's incredible what a positive attitude can do for your case, whatever it may be.
I should leave to campus relatively soon. I'll give myself 15 more minutes and then I have to leave... or rather, get ready to leave. Basically, I have to get off the computer in 15 minutes. Yes. Then I will go to campus, sell a textbook for $10, go buy cigarettes with said $10, then go sit in the school building next to the building where my exam is and just review, review, REVIEW.
I wanted to be in bed by midnight tonight. It's 10 minutes to, and I could definitely still do it, but something is holding me back.
It's my crush. I wanna stay up and get her texts. I wanna wait until she comes online and chats with me. I wanna look at pictures of her and get that warm, fuzzy feeling inside when she messages me.
Wow... am I that far gone? I never meant to be.
I thought she might've stopped texting me, but there's another one. It's one of those texts where you can't tell if another one's coming after/before it. I'll give it a few minutes. A few more minutes to take a deep breath that is hard to breathe in because you're feeling anxiety/butterflies at the same time.
Wow. Wow, wow, wow...
I think it's the idea of it all. I mean - a new crush. I doubt she reciprocates, but of course there's that little voice that keeps saying, "maybe... maybe... maybe..." and I listen to it because I want it to be true, but it never is... but it's not always terrible in the end either. Sometimes it just fades away. This will too...
It's midnight now. It's time for bed, but I can't. I told myself no computer. Just bed. Maybe a book. I mean, I can just lie there with my cell phone on... I need to be up in the morning to study. I need to be ready to get to campus by noon at the latest.
My roommate bought paper plates and disposable cups because she's too busy (read: lazy) to wash dishes.
**EDIT** I still want to stick with only 1 entry a day, but I just realized that I can still ADD to an entry after posting... Silly Tricycle.
I really like this blog. I wonder if anyone follows it. Follow... can you tell I use Twitter? I do, but not under this name, so don't even try to look for me. It's impossible. Tricycle Lowtops is ONLY my blogger identity and I love it and don't wanna ruin it. I haven't even told anyone that I have a secret blog... I might have told someone once, but I haven't mentioned it since. I like keeping it private because I get to blog IMMEDIATELY after something happens (usually scandalous, embarrassing, etc.) and get it all out there without stressing. I'm probably a much calmer person thanks to this blog. Actually, I'm calm because of masturbation & weed. Let's be real.
I'm having a great day. I woke up a little later than intended, but no harm done, so I quickly showered and headed to meet some people for lunch. It was someone else's treat, and a quite fancy restaurant, and........................
Something so fucked up just happened. Thank God for this blog. This is not something I can twitter or Facebook about, or even LJ about. It's meant only for Tricycle Lowtops.
What was it?
I was just masturbating and JUST started my orgasm when my Mom yelled something to me. I answered her question, all the while still rubbing off and climaxing.
I went on MDMA again last night. My second time. This time we didn't get tablets - we got powder that we drank in Gatorade/Red Bull/water. That was around 10pm last night. Then we went to the club where we saw The Bloody Beetroots, MSTRKRFT, Crookers, and Steve Aoki. Within 30 minutes or so I was LOVING LIFE. I was high outta my mind and just dancing all over the place. The night lasted until 5am. We left the club and drove back to where I live and go to school. Now I'm still up (can't fall asleep) watching "Living Lohan" and NOT writing my essay, even though I really should be.
That's all I can handle mentioning right now, but FYI - I'm frustrated with some friends.
It's really frustrating being gay sometimes. I like being gay and I am so fortunate because I have an AMAZING family/friend group who all support me and love me. They don't ignore my queerness - they embrace it. My parents are especially amazing. They're constantly sending me clips/articles/etc. about queer stuff - not in an annoying way, just in a way that shows how much they love me. I love it! I'm also totally comfortable with myself - I'm very clear on my sexual orientation, and as far as I'm concerned, there's no ambiguity in that arena for me. So - what is it that makes being gay frustrating if all of these things are so perfect?
CRUSHES.
I love to love/like. I have a lot of feelings, and I really like directing them towards someone, so a crush is usually a welcome distraction. BUT what about when you don't know her orientation? She's a couple years younger than I, and so her interest in me could simply be a younger girl looking up to an older one, right? I mean, if I were her age, I'd think I was pretty cool too, haha! But maybe it's not like that... maybe she is crushing on me.
I met her through a friend. My friend (who's not one to assume that anyone's gay, unless they're more stereotypical) thinks that it's possible that the girl I'm crushing on (we'll call her S.) is bisexual or something. Ugh it's hard to say. And I've had crushes on straight girls before, so I'm not really concerned about it... but... UGH!
Anyway, that's all for now - exams to study for, essays to write...
I don't know if I've ever mentioned this before, but I am a person who really likes to savour wonderful moments. Wonderful moments happen a lot, and I'm sure I let a lot of them slip by, but when I'm having a day like today - woke up hungover in my best friend's bed, went out for breakfast, got dropped off at home, and have since done very little... masturbated, listened to music, watched lots of "Six Feet Under", and have been tidying my apartment up as well... It's just been really wonderful. Wonderful, wonderful, wonderful... Just thought I'd share.
Okay, I wanted to write more but I don't have it in me. I must conserve my energy in order to spend the entire night smoking weed and hanging with hot girls. I feel like a rock star.
YES. I must be in an okay position. After the shittiness of last night, and a few one-word texts that did nothing to make me feel better, I got home from campus and when I opened MSN she messaged me right away. Not about anything in particular, but encouraging all the same. I feel incredibly relieved. I will NOT fuck this up again by taking the conversation to bad places.
Fuck. I almost made some progress and then I flopped again. Why am I relapsing??? Why am I allowing myself to be so... desperate? Is that the word? Ugh. I'm putting emotions on the ground to just be pounced on, gobbled up, stomped on, and thrown out. Who's stomping on them? ME! I'm just fucking with myself so that I start feeling something other than happiness, because I'm not supposed to feel happy because I'm ALONE!
It's like this reality check... So I'm throwing all of these false emotions at this poor unsuspecting girl who doesn't believe in love and I'm doing nothing to help her. I want a relationship and so I crush on her because it's convenient... she doesn't like me so I think it's okay to use her, but that doesn't make it okay. People still feel things when they're not having feelings for you - they still feel used and manipulated... ugh. I feel like an asshole.
...but she says she doesn't consider me one. Ugh. I still feel gross. I need to go to bed, shower this bullshit off of me when I wake up, and give it all another try...
FUCK FUCK FUCK. FUCK SHITTY COCK BALLS CUNTY TITTY MOTHERFUCKING SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT ASS BALLS DICK HAIRY ASSHOLE SHIT FUCK CUNTY CUNT BITCH ASSHOLE SHIT.
Why do I say the things that I say? Why do I feel the things that I feel? Nevermind these questions... There's nothing I can do about what has been done. It's so late, I need to go to bed and not be sick.
I realize right now what kind of relationship I eventually want:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hD83Ns6DF_0
At about 6 minutes you see the loveliness that is Norm & Margie of "Fargo". They are one of the most tender and loving couples I've ever seen displayed on the screen. I am envious.
I had a pretty crazy night last night. It was one of my best friends' birthday celebration (her actual birthday is Tuesday) and although it was off to a slow and dramatic start, we all persevered and ended up having an amazing and outrageous night. She's a hockey player and has some fuckin' hot hockey girl friends. Yum! The stereotypes about hockey girls being lesbians is so unfortunately not true... There's just as much incidence as anywhere else. Bummer. Absolutely stunning eye candy.
I'm kinda pissed at some people... or pissed at myself... or feeling self-conscious or something... I don't even want to get into it because there's a good chance it's all just bullshit in my head. Therefore I will simply go on as if nothing is wrong until/if I'm made (explicitly) to think otherwise.
That's a big motto in my life... or not so much a motto as some kind of mantra maybe... not sure. At any rate, I've always said that we should never assume that someone's mad at us or that something's going on until we know that something is. It happens to all of us - we feel a vibe and make an assumption based on it. Often I'm sure these assumptions are right, but what good is it ever to act based on an assumption? It isn't. So it's best to curb our instinct to get all defensive/upset, and just wait it out until we find out the truth one way or another.
Example: my friend came out with me to my friend's birthday party yesterday. He seemed a little disinterested and annoyed being there, so when he left I felt angry. I thought, "so what? You don't like hanging with me? You think my other friends are less cool?" and so on and so forth... So unproductive, right? I wanted to text him earlier today just to get a dialogue started, but I stopped myself - there's no need to do something just to try to evoke some kind of reaction. So I waited and lo and behold he messaged me recently on MSN. It feels so much better now, because he made the effort, which says to me that there's no bad blood/tension/drama between us. Problem solved!
The other situation is that I have a "crush" on this girl S. The crush is in quotations because I don't know where the crush came from. Certainly she's a cute girl, smart, funny, and nice to talk to/flirt with, but I've spent little to no time with her. I think I just want a crush, and a feasible crush, a.k.a. she's gay and could like me back. The truth is, it doesn't matter whether or not she could like me, because she's told me that she doesn't. Why am I still pursuing it? This is SO reminiscient of this crush I had in the summer of 2006. I caused myself a lot of strife with that one, but I got over it, and I'll get over this too... it's just best that I be a little more proactive and give up now! If she is going to have feelings for me, it certainly won't come from me aggressively pursuing her. So it's time to stop texting, stop messaging on MSN, etc., etc. I'll get over it. I will. I just need to do what I know I need to.
I'm high. It doesn't feel like 1am, it feels like 9 or 10pm. I have some crazy things to say. I hope I get them all out before I green out or lose interest.
I'm watching "30 Rock" on Rogers On Demand. Have you ever heard of R.O.D.? I love ROD.
30 Rock is really funny too... I wonder why I haven't gotten more into it. It's so funny though.
I'm writing like such a high person right now.
Today I had a "nap" that went from 4pm - 10:30pm, hence the feeling like it's 9 or 10 when it's really (now) 1:30.
Wow... interesting thing to share, eh? Haha.
Oh yeah - more things to say. I pulled an all-nighter the other night in order to write an essay. I read an entire novel and then wrote a 1500 word paper between the hours of 10:30pm & 10:30am. Then I worked on a seminar presentation until 11pm and then woke up at 5am to finish it. A.k.a. 6 hours of sleep in like 50 hours. Terrible, eh? So today I got home, had a quick snack, and then napped from 4-10:30, like I said...
Now I'm up again, but I don't wanna be up too late and fuck him my sleep schedule. I'm not tired though. Damn the person I'm talking to online (who I wanna fuck) is not talking to me. Maybe she fell asleep. Who cares?!
