Tricycle's Tables Have Turned

Ok.

Not sure how likely it is that I'll get a decent post written, but I'm gonna give it a shot.

SO... Tricycle is international at the moment, and has been for about 3 weeks now.  I went on a family trip for 2 weeks, and am now just with my sister, staying at a friend's place in another country, which I could name, but I'd rather continue with this well-kept veil of mystery...  I'm here for less than a week more, and then back to my life in Canada.

Believe it or not, I'm pumped to get home.  I am having and have had an unreal time, but I miss my apartment, my job, and just being in a place that I know and where all my shit is.  Living out of a suitcase leaves something to be desired for me, you know?

Also, I happen to have someone waiting back at home for me.  Yes, it is true, Tricycle has finally found herself a girlfriend.  Perhaps "girlfriend" isn't the word to be using yet, but potential girlfriend for sure.  Her name is K. and I've known her for a really long time.  We went to the same church when we were younger and had many mutual friends, and then went to the same university.  It was at uni that I realized she was queer, AND that she was dating a girl in a group of friends that I often dipped in and out of.

ANYWAY - the weekend before I left, I went to a club that she was at and we had a whole flirtation thing going on... some hand holding, some grinding, etc.  The next day she asked me to meet her downtown and hang for a bit, so we did.  Then she wanted to hang out that night... so my friend J. and I met her for some drinks, and while drinking and smoking on a patio, she reached over and held my hand.  I saw sparks.

So... since I left, she broke up with her GF and has emailed me every day, wanting me more and more as days go by...

I want her too.  I want her to be my girlfriend and for us to fall in love...

Am I moving too fast?  Does she need more time between her last relationship and me?

I just want this to work, so I need to breathe, relax, and take it one step at a time.  I mean, I'm totally falling for her, but...  Actually, there's no "but".  I trust my instincts.  It'll all be ok.

QT

I haven't posted in 9 days... which is weird because I was posting pretty much daily for a bit there. I think I stopped because this was becoming a blog all about E., which I never wanted. I want to be able to post about shit I wouldn't anywhere else, BUT - this is getting boring. Tricycle was getting boring. I think I'm pulling out of this slump though, which is sweet. I think I just fell into that well-known pattern of crushing on a straight girl, getting overly excited, and then (inevitably) getting overly depressed about it. I've stopped talking to her pretty much completely though, and it's getting easier each day, so I think that'll help. I mean, how many straight girls did I crush on before Douche? There were at least 4 big ones... I've had 2 since Douche, so maybe 2 more? Oh God... I don't want to be single for that long.

I saw a TOTAL cutie at a bubble tea place last night. I can't get her out of my brain. That was a good sign... although E. still found her way into my fantasies last night / today.

Speaking of which: masturbation followed by cigarettes is the best way to start a day.

Alright, enough for now!

Irrelevant

I fucking cracked again.........

FUCK. Stop, Tricycle!

Whatever though. Like, E's irrelevant.

Not talking about her or to her ever again.

Starting........... yeah right!

trippppp

If I was choking right now, nobody could save me. I'm alone in my apartment. I'd die alone. That's scary. I wonder how red my face is. I just sneezed with (marijuana) smoke in my mouth and now my throat is raw. It hurts. Mabs I need some watah!

I'm high right now. Is that already apparent?

BRB - need watah! Stat!

Got some water, and some popcorn. Unreal.

Shit, I forgot about this. Throat doesn't hurt at all anymore. Unreal.

So E... never really followed up on that... yeah, so I cracked on Thursday and messaged her. The conversation was brutal - one-word answers and shit. Rough. Then I tried her Friday again. Also rough. Then Friday my friend's like, "E texted me, she's hammered, call her" and so I didn't call, but I texted, but I accidentally hit dial, I think... then I click hang-up and text instead... This is confusing me... I'm high, so that's rough... Anyway, so I text and she calls me and is like, "Did you call me?" and I'm like "No" so she's like "okay, bye!" and I'm like, "uhhh okay, bye!" It was awkward. Then we texted for a bit longer, and then she said she was going to sleep. The texts were dumb though, cuz we were like both drunk. Anyway, Saturday and SUnday I didn't msg/text/Facebook/etc. THen today I don't msg either because I'm trying not to and she messages me, and it was so weird and rough and strange... I just don't get it. Why does she talk to me anymore? And why, when she does, is it so different?

I'm tripping!

Day 4

I just got home. It's 3am. She came online a little while ago. I was close, but I didn't crack... She's offline now. Fuck. So this is how it is? We just don't talk anymore? I know 4 days (or really 3) is nothing, but like, it used to be every day... there used to be drunk texts... fuck me. Ugh.

In good news! Season 3 of "Life of Ryan" is on YouTube.

Shit, she's back on again. Is she ever gonna message?

I just @'d her. That's cheating. I might delete it.


Edit
It's 6:22pm. I'm at work. I did end up deleting that @. Ugh. I'm tempted right now. What would the harm be if I messaged? I've gone 3 days... I mean, I know I can do it... but what would the good be if I messaged? I mean, I'd be better off NOT messaging, but... what if she never messages me again? It's just over? It's just... over?

Fuck... I need to talk myself out of this, right? But if we never talk again, doesn't that say that something IS up? Fuck.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

What if I message and we have a terrible convo? Ugh.
What if I message and she's like "G2G" right away? Ugh.
What if I message and it's back to normal?

OMG I shouldn't... I shouldn't... I'll be stronger if I don't, but I hate that she might never ever message me again... but if she doesn't, then that's fate... but if I message her, that's fate too... Actually, the fact that I'm questioning this so much means that I probably SHOULD NOT message her... AHHHHHHH!!!


Edit.
I cracked.

Day 3

Ew. My table (where my computer is) is really sticky and dirty. I should scrub it tonight. I just showered and now my arms feel sticky and gross. ICK!

I love my mornings. I sat on the balcony for like 20 minutes this morning just smoking, drinking coffee, and listening to my new iPod. I could do it forever. That's why I always wish I would wake up a little earlier, so I can maximize morning time... but it's kinda hard to when I go to bed at 3am.

You know what? This summer is SO much better without my dumbass ex-girlfriend, Madam Douchebag. Sure I had sex whenever I wanted it, and I had nightly plans... but I've pretty much got nightly plans now, and they're better ones. They don't consist of Douche playing around on Facebook while I played Tony Hawk Underground on her GameCube. God, it was SO obvious that we were falling apart. I can't believe I didn't see it then!

Moving on...

It's Day 3. No cracking yet - on either side. I told Moo last night and she's like, fuck it! It's not worth it, she's not worth it... she's just not that into you. She must be right... but that being said, is it possible that she's waiting for me? Doubtful. My boss says that she thinks E. likes the attention when she's feeling unconfident or insecure, but when she's feeling good she feels no need to talk to me. It's sad, but a really legit theory, and honestly? I'm caring a lot less. I mean, who is E anyway? Like, she's been in my life for a little over 2 months now, but my life isn't better or worse because of her. It's just another distraction... another thing to fantasize about and obsess over until someone else comes along, or until I maybe get involved with something real.

One can only hope.....


**EDIT 1 - 2:30pm**

Back at work... I love work. I love having things to keep me busy.

She's online. Do you think she'll ever crack?


**EDIT 2 - 8:24pm**

She's been online all day. No cracking from either side. I'm so tired. No energy. I wanted to do laundry tonight, but I just don't see myself having the energy to do so. That being said, I dread the idea of sitting waiting for myself and her to not message each other, because that's what'll happen, isn't it? I mean, there's been no communication since Sunday, and even then, the communication between us since the roadtrip has been totally different. What the fuck is it? What the fuck has changed? Why does she not wanna talk anymore? She had her fill? She got turned off?

...or is it positive? Does she like me? Does she want me to initiate?

I can't. If she was interested, she would.

...or would she? I mean, why must I rely on her?

FML.

Day 2

Day 2 has begun. I've got about 45 minutes until I leave for work, so it's still relatively early in the day, but, as always, it will be a challenge. I wonder how long it's gonna take. I wonder if it's gonna be as straightforward as just making it through each day without caving. I wonder if she's gonna message me. I wonder if it's gonna be complicated and if something new will throw me off... something like her drunk texting me again... something like her taking my "hard to get"ness and running with it, like her chasing me instead... Whatever happens, eventually there's gonna be some kind of "solution"... some kind of "Oh okay, so this is how it is". There's always one of those moments.

Additionally, I'm having some anxieties about money. I think it's about time I go to the bank and work out some kind of plan or get some kind of advice. I'm 22 now and eventually I'm gonna look into things like a car (once I get my license) or a house or something, and I imagine my credit right now is kind of shit, but there's gotta be some kind of solution, so I should try and find it.

I'm going on a big trip for almost all of July. I'm gonna make a promise to myself RIGHT NOW that I will meet with someone at the bank before June 26th.

I will meet with someone at the bank about my finances before June 26th.

I don't want to have this anxiety on my trip, so I promise I will sort this out beforehand.

I may have screwed myself a bit, but I can't be in that bad shape... or if I am, there's a solution.


**EDIT... a couple hours later**
I'm at work. She's online. The true Day 2 battle has begun.

**EDIT 2**
She's on Facebook Chat, but not MSN. Have I been blocked?

**EDIT 3**
She's back on MSN. Still no messaging. Rough times.

**EDIT 4**
Fuuuucccckkkk. She's on Facebook Chat, but not MSN again. I'm wondering if it's a legit block. Needless to say, not pleased.